Shoppers Beware: Slow Moving Carts Ahead

My mom used to call it "Amateur Hour," the time of year when befuddled teenagers, husbands, fathers, and grandfathers are sent to the grocery store for hard-to-find holiday items, like French-fried onions and baking chocolate.

You've seen them wandering the aisles the days just before Thanksgiving or Christmas, clutching scraps of paper and muttering to themselves. Sometimes they are talking on a cell phone while standing before a row of canned tomatoes.

"They don't have whole-berry cranberry sauce," says a distressed teen-ager, who thinks grocery stores are organized by color, like sweaters at the mall.

When one of these grocery store wanderers admits defeat, he tends to select me as the Sherpa guide he asks for directions.

"Excuse me, where are the hearts of palm?" Gently, I lead him from the meat counter to the canned vegetables.

I won't eat worms or go on a diet on national television, but I'd be the first to sign up for the reality show, "Lost in a Grocery Store." Each contestant would have a list of hard-to-find items and grocery cart with a wobbly wheel. Then they would be sent to an unfamiliar grocery store and the race would begin.

There would be no contest. I would be the last shopper standing.

Maybe these amateur shoppers don't understand the supermarket code. Canned pumpkin is a fruit and candied fruit is not a candy. Dried black-eyed peas are beans. Flaked coconut is a baking item, so are turkey basters and birthday candles. Apple cider is not the same as apple juice and is sometimes located with fresh produce. Mulling spices are not with the spices; find them with coffee or tea.

Chopped dates are with canned fruit, not produce. When sent to the store for a cup of pecans, don't even think of coming home with a can of salted nuts. Look for nuts packaged in bags in the baking items aisle. Condensed milk is not with the milk. Look in the baking aisle. Sweetened condensed milk is different than evaporated milk.

Marshmallows are tricky; they could be anywhere, depending on the store. Cream cheese is not displayed with cheese; it's near sour cream and cottage cheese. Eggnog is with the milk, not the eggs.

Befuddling grocery lingo extends even to the check-out line.

My dad is the type of man who never says, "I don't know." Confidence oozes from every pore. Whenever he visits, he insists on paying for the groceries. The last time he was in town, I confirmed that, in spite of his bravado, he is an amateur in the grocery store. As we were checking out, the sacker asked, "Paper or plastic?" My dad thought for a moment and then answered, "Cash."

Amateurs, don't be afraid when you’re sent to the grocery store this year. Look for me. I'm the one handling my shopping cart like a finely tuned sports car.

I'll be glad to help ­ and maybe if you see me wandering in the parking lot, you can help me find my car.

Nancy George is a Dallas freelance writer.