Jokes For The Folks: Twitterstan

Dan Brown, author of “The Da Vinci Code,” has a new book coming out this September called “The Lost Symbol.” Protagonist Robert Langdon looks for the reason why he’s played in the movies by Tom Hanks instead of Brad Pitt.

By now the entire world has seen Susan Boyle, the less-than-photogenic singer from England who has taken the showbiz world by storm. Today thousands of women in Beverly Hills cancelled their Botox injections in favor of an implant to join their eyebrows. Sad to say, but not everyone is excited about her unexpected popularity. Boyle’s lawyer says the singer is being sued by Phyllis Diller, who claims the Brit singer has stolen her act.

Last week in Omaha, Nebraska, the Covenant Presbyterian Church paid eight people $25 each to attend a service Sunday morning, and complete a survey about the experience. The biggest complaint? They were given the money right before the minister passed the plate.

Another survey, unrelated to the Presbyterians, took place in the far east, where the Chinese government has determined that China's historic Great Wall is about 1,550 miles longer than previously thought. They wanted to make sure the Great Wall doesn’t get surpassed by our Border Patrol’s “Great Fence.”

It has been scorchingly hot in Los Angeles. Out-of-work actors were sweating like a Somali pirate in the crosshairs of a Navy SEAL. The Lakers traded for a player from the Clippers, just so they’d have someone with a cold shooting hand. And Kobe Bryant bought his wife another $20,000 ring after she asked him to bring home some ice.

Wednesday was Earth Day. Makes sense. Everyone is dirt poor.

Pres. Obama signed a $5.7-billion national service bill Tuesday that triples the size of AmeriCorps. Now volunteers in the program can choose to mentor a child, clean up a park, or run a multi-national brokerage firm.

Fidel Castro says President Obama may have misinterpreted words from his brother Raul when Raul said, "everything, everything, everything" is now open for discussion with the US. Right. We know what Raul meant to say was, "death to the imperialist pigs and glory to the booming economy of Cuba." It's easy to see the confusion.

In a related story, executives from Twitter, YouTube, and Google were in Iraq to see how new media can be used to help rebuild the country. They did a great job, and in the end it was determined that whether it will be Arabic, Kurdish, Assyrian or Armenian, every fanatic, terrorist, Taliban member and Al-Queda bomber will be able to say “Death to America” in 140 characters or less. Great job, guys!

Did you see the two news anchors in Arkansas who got engaged during the six o’clock news over the weekend? The video went viral on the net, but we have the truth: it was really the two people running the Teleprompters who got engaged.

Word out of Detroit is that General Motors will close most of its U.S. factories for up to nine weeks this summer. Here at NCV, we have one question. How will we tell?

A couple in England spent three hours in makeup before their wedding so they could walk down the aisle as characters from “Shrek.” Keeping with the cartoon theme, they ended up like every other married couple, and immediately after the ceremony turned into Homer and Marge Simpson.

An informant helped Canadian police arrest 156 Hells Angels motorcycle gang members on homicide and drug charges, and he will be paid $2.9 million. NCV suggests he spend it on a beautiful new home. Made of Kevlar.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

See Taylor's other recent Jokes for the Folks:

And Taylor's Here's a Thought columns:


	Home Features Humor Relationships Faith Entertainment Society Blogs Columns Online Bible NCV's Writers's Guidelines Search Columns Here’s a Thought: Opening Act By Taylor Mason For those of you not familiar with how I roll: I’ve been a comedian for 25-plus years and been an “opening act” for a variety of performers. Some highlights. ... Here's a Thought: Death by Cancer By Taylor Mason My sister-in-law passed away last Thursday, felled by cancer after a seven-year battle. She was a dignified, lovely, inspiring wife and mother who beat the odds over and over again. Time Out: Safety ‘Net By Patty Elder Summer in DC means storms, and storms mean power outages. And power outages bring out my worst fear, and it's NOT the dark. ... Here’s a Thought: Hot Enough for Ya? By Taylor Mason The heat was debilitating this summer, so much so that the word “hot” doesn’t do justice to the grades of temperature we've sweated these past few months. Time Out: Make Yourself at Home By Cara Garretson It’s beach week, and so far so good. We bust into our rented beach house and it looks great – the bathrooms are sparkling, the décor is charming, the kitchen is retro. ... Home » Society » Jokes For The Folks: Twitterstan Jokes For The Folks: Twitterstan April 24, 2009 By Taylor Mason Dan Brown, author of “The Da Vinci Code,” has a new book coming out this September called “The Lost Symbol.” Protagonist Robert Langdon looks for the reason why he’s played in the movies by Tom Hanks instead of Brad Pitt. By now the entire world has seen Susan Boyle, the less-than-photogenic singer from England who has taken the showbiz world by storm. Today thousands of women in Beverly Hills cancelled their Botox injections in favor of an implant to join their eyebrows. Sad to say, but not everyone is excited about her unexpected popularity. Boyle’s lawyer says the singer is being sued by Phyllis Diller, who claims the Brit singer has stolen her act. Last week in Omaha, Nebraska, the Covenant Presbyterian Church paid eight people $25 each to attend a service Sunday morning, and complete a survey about the experience. The biggest complaint? They were given the money right before the minister passed the plate. Another survey, unrelated to the Presbyterians, took place in the far east, where the Chinese government has determined that China's historic Great Wall is about 1,550 miles longer than previously thought. They wanted to make sure the Great Wall doesn’t get surpassed by our Border Patrol’s “Great Fence.” It has been scorchingly hot in Los Angeles. Out-of-work actors were sweating like a Somali pirate in the crosshairs of a Navy SEAL. The Lakers traded for a player from the Clippers, just so they’d have someone with a cold shooting hand. And Kobe Bryant bought his wife another $20,000 ring after she asked him to bring home some ice. Wednesday was Earth Day. Makes sense. Everyone is dirt poor. Pres. Obama signed a $5.7-billion national service bill Tuesday that triples the size of AmeriCorps. Now volunteers in the program can choose to mentor a child, clean up a park, or run a multi-national brokerage firm. Fidel Castro says President Obama may have misinterpreted words from his brother Raul when Raul said, "everything, everything, everything" is now open for discussion with the US. Right. We know what Raul meant to say was, "death to the imperialist pigs and glory to the booming economy of Cuba." It's easy to see the confusion. In a related story, executives from Twitter, YouTube, and Google were in Iraq to see how new media can be used to help rebuild the country. They did a great job, and in the end it was determined that whether it will be Arabic, Kurdish, Assyrian or Armenian, every fanatic, terrorist, Taliban member and Al-Queda bomber will be able to say “Death to America” in 140 characters or less. Great job, guys! Did you see the two news anchors in Arkansas who got engaged during the six o’clock news over the weekend? The video went viral on the net, but we have the truth: it was really the two people running the Teleprompters who got engaged. Word out of Detroit is that General Motors will close most of its U.S. factories for up to nine weeks this summer. Here at NCV, we have one question. How will we tell? A couple in England spent three hours in makeup before their wedding so they could walk down the aisle as characters from “Shrek.” Keeping with the cartoon theme, they ended up like every other married couple, and immediately after the ceremony turned into Homer and Marge Simpson. An informant helped Canadian police arrest 156 Hells Angels motorcycle gang members on homicide and drug charges, and he will be paid $2.9 million. NCV suggests he spend it on a beautiful new home. Made of Kevlar. Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors). See Taylor's other recent Jokes for the Folks: I Was Taylor When It Wasn't Cool Taking the Queen Off the Dribble Jokes for the Folks: Friday the 13th And Taylor's Here's a Thought columns: E-I-E-I-O Play Ball! Old News Middle-East Madness Leads to The FATA Four Bernie Made Off Manipulating the Market Rush (Limbaugh) to Judgement Share: Del.icio.us \| Digg \| Reddit \| Stumbleupon \| Permalink All contents copyright © 2008, Digital Publishing Corporation. All rights reserved. Advertise with us! HOME \| ABOUT US \| CONTACT US \| PRIVACY POLICY \| TERMS OF USE \| RSS \| RULES OF CONDUCT

Columns