Jokes For The Folks: Alert – Global Warming Is Canceled Til Next Year

It was so cold yesterday in Chicago, Rod Blagojevich called Roland Burris to see if his new Senate seat was heated.

It’s expected to be so cold in Washington for the inauguration, the Secret Service hired two really small agents just to cover Obama’s ears. It was so cold yesterday in New York, Bernie Madoff was forced to burn his own money for a change.

Governor Blogojevich is under impeachment proceedings. All because he wanted to take money for a senate seat, which is the way the chicago political machine has always done business! What is the problem? He was doing business as usual!

ALERT: The Global Warming Conference in Minneapolis, Minnesota was canceled this week. No one’s car would start because it was so cold.

The National Zoo in Washington issued a public appeal for bamboo because the food supply for their giant pandas is dangerously low. Also, the zoo can’t afford for the pandas to keep calling out for Chinese take-out every night.

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted 16-1 for Hillary Rodham Clinton to become the next secretary of state, with only Louisiana Republican David Vitter voting against her. To show there are no hard feelings, Senator Clinton promised that she’d give Vitter a running start ... before offing him.

Steve Carell, who plays Michael Scott on "The Office," recently purchased a 155-year-old general store in the Massachusetts town where he lives part-time. Then he put it back up for sale when he found out it didn’t come with a Dwight.

The United States government dismissed the latest audio message from Osama bin Laden and says that no way he is a threat to the upcoming inauguration. We know why. It’s this cold weather, and he is snowed in. He’ll never leave that apartment outside Boise. President Obama will ride in a brand new Cadillac limousine, which the Secret Service refers to as “The Beast.” That was their code name during President Bush’s administration for Vice-President Dick Cheney.

The old presidential limo goes to the second-most powerful person in the free world: OPRAH! And what is the Secret Service most worried about on Inauguration Day 2009? Terrorists? Assassins? Shoe-Throwers? Hardly. No, the biggest threat to President Obama is the media, trying to smooch Barack’s behind. SICK! Er… SYCOPHANTS!

ALERT: The Global Warming Conference in Denver, Colorado, was canceled this week due to snow. As one scientist was heard to say (Quote), “I have to d-d-dig out of this sn-sn-snow to g-get to the Conference on G-G-G-Global Warming!”

President Bush gave his final speech, and according to the latest polls, his approval rating jumped up close to 40%, after averaging 24% during the last few months. Whew! GW was in danger of becoming the first president with an approval rating lower than the margin of error.

Andy Rooney, star of CBS-TV battleship “60 Minutes” turned 90 years old this week. Everyone wished him happy birthday at the show’s New York office, where Andy is affectionately called, “The Kid.”

Nations around the world are condemning Israel’s violent response to Hamas. The cry is for a “proportional response.” We at NCV don’t understand. Does that mean Israel should aim rockets at innocent civilians? Or that Israel should grab Bernie Madoff and drop him into Palestine to start a ponzi scheme and take all their money?

Barack Obama becomes our President on Tuesday, January 20. His to-do list: the economy; housing; health care; Iraq; the “Big 3” auto makers; the credit crunch; Iran; The Middle East; Putin; Afghanistan; Blagojevich; global warming; tuition; the Geneva Conventions; education; the Constitution and most importantly: what kinda dog are they gonna get for the White House?

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

For more selections from Taylor and the other NCV writers, please visit the New Christian Voices Clean Comedy Store