Jokes for the Folks: Pearls Before Swine

Purdue University research teams have developed a test that suggests fish can feel pain, and they react to it much as do human beings. The discovery was actually not made in the lab. One of the student researchers was in his dormitory room, watching TV, when his pet goldfish went belly-up watching a Red Lobster commercial.

Chicago. City of Big Shoulders, where every cemetery has a mailbox (so that the dead can vote!). Where corruption and crime go hand-in-hand with politics and the weather. This week a Chi-town hustler tried to open a hot dog establishment manned by former convicts. We loved the name of the stand: Felony Franks. But a Chicago Alderman objected to the name, and for good reason, because being an Alderman in Chicago is akin to being a felon, and I’m sure he was insulted. In addition, here at NCV we feel that Felony Franks would be a good nickname for Senator Barney Frank, considering what he’s done with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac over the past few months (and we have the feeling Mr. Frank wouldn’t mind jail all that much).

It’s all about the Swine Flu, people! Here is the latest: On Wall Street there was a major market slide after the federal government received a request for bailout money from the Piggly Wiggly grocery store chain. “People aren’t even coming in the door,” said one P.W. manager in Alabama. “It’s like, they see the logo (a pig) and think our whole store is infected!”

From the Vatican comes the news that Pope Benedict is asking other religious leaders to join him in allowing their church members to ask for blessings from more than one God if someone sneezes.

And there is talk of a shortage of surgical masks at drugstores across the country! Things are so bad that people are paying up to $500 for baseball catcher’s masks and stuffing them with cotton as an alternative.

In addition, there is talk of Americans buying plastic wrap and covering their TVs, due to an Internet rumor that you could catch the virus just by watching Miss Piggy on an unprotected set.

Finally, The University of Arkansas is considering changing its nickname from “Razorbacks,” because of the connotation. NCV suggests a new team moniker: THE U. OF  ARKANSAS PONZI SCHEMERS!

Vice-President Joe Biden appeared on national television and told the country that he would not use a commercial airline, the subway, or any other form of public transportation, striking panic into the hearts of every U.S. citizen. Not because of the Swine Flu Mr. Biden so obviously fears. No, as a nation we are frightened to death that Joe Biden is one step away from the highest position in the land. AAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Talk about foot-in-mouth disease. This came a day after the VP joined President Obama to welcome ex-Republican Senator Arlen Specter to the Democratic Party at a White House press conference. As Biden later revealed on “60 Minutes,” the president checked with him before showing Specter the secret handshake. Specter has been answering questions about being a traitor to his party, and using politics for personal gain. His answer, we thought, is a pretty good one: “Hey, at least I’m not babbling nonsense like Joe Biden!”

From Hollywood comes the news that Shia LaBeouf is in negotiations to co-star with Michael Douglas in Oliver Stone’s sequel to the 1987 blockbuster “Wall Street.” Our hearts go out to Douglas, who needs the work because he lost a fortune in the recession.

“Greed is still good!” Right, Mr. Douglas?

Taylor Mason has a side project, it's his folk-rock-alternative-dance band called "THE JANITORS". Listen to their first demo recording.

Also check out Taylor's Here's a Thought columns:

• Healthy, Wealthy and Lies
• Brainstorm
• E-I-E-I-O
• Play Ball!
• Old News
• Middle-East Madness Leads to The FATA Four
• Bernie Made Off
• Manipulating the Market
• Rush (Limbaugh) to Judgement