Jokes for the Folks: Miss Beautiful Morals

It had to happen. A Christian media watchdog group called “The Resistance” is planning to have members disrupt the opening of the much-ballyhooed film Angels & Demons by shouting at audiences in and outside of the theater. Our plan is simpler and probably a lot better. We plan on shouting a warning to Tom Hanks near the end of the flick: “Watch out for the priest with the gun!”

More from La La Land. Universal Pictures hired Martin Scorsese to direct a film about Frank Sinatra. We can already guess the title: “I Hit Him My Way.”

From suburban Detroit comes the story of an 18-year-old who pleaded guilty to lighting another man’s pants on fire, causing 3rd degree burns to the victim. The judge agreed to dismiss the charge if the teen successfully completes probation and promises not to sell the idea to Steve-O.

More news from the Motor City: GM is threatening to move its headquarters from Detroit. Rumor has it the city-of-choice might be… Tokyo, Japan. GM execs say, “It’s worked for our competitors!”

From Alabama comes the news that a McDonald’s had to remove a “Kidz Bop” CD from the fast food chain’s Happy Meals, after some parents claimed they could hear an obscenity in a song. Which is kinda funny, because the same parents didn’t see anything obscene in the list of ingredients on the Happy Meal box.

Yes, we’ve heard all about McDonald’s trying to come up with a healthier menu, but the truth is, if McDonald’s wanted you to eat healthy, they’d tell you to eat someplace else.

Have you heard about the crime wave in Colorado? Yes, police are on the lookout for – get this – “The Nicotine Ninja!” The heartless criminal has stolen $120,000 worth of cigarettes while dressed from head to toe in black. He shouldn’t be too hard to find. He can’t run very far without breaking down in a coughing fit. Heck, if he smokes all $120,000 worth of coffin nails himself, they’ll have to change his nickname: “The Short-of-Breath Samurai.”

Congratulations to the museum in Fort Worth, Texas, which acquired Michelangelo’s very first painting. It works out perfectly, because the famous artist’s first effort is called “Renaissance Dogs Playing Poker.”

Further south, Houston-area doctors say the power outage that followed Hurricane Ike last year seems to have caused a miniature baby boom. Instead of spanking the “hurricane babies,” delivery room docs get them to cry by turning on the Weather Channel. Hey, kids, don’t be sad! Sometimes the Weather Channel makes us cry, too!

Up in Leon, New York, police ticketed a 17-year-old Amish youth for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy. He was charged with breaking two seldom-used and long-forgotten local laws: 1) buggying while intoxicated, and 2) drinking while Amish.

From overseas comes this heartwarming tale: the man who shot Pope John Paul II says that now he wants to convert to Christianity in a ceremony at The Vatican, when he is released from prison in January of 2010. We suggest he think twice about that. Pope Benedict has Vatican lawyers checking to see if he can replace the baptismal font with a water boarding tub.

And finally, maybe the rest of the world is catching up to us. In Saudi Arabia this weekend they will begin a beauty pageant where the contestants wear Islamic veils over their faces and hide the rest of their body in black robes. The contest is called “Miss Beautiful Morals.” The winner could be a real upset, as it's entirely possible that the winner might well be a man. How could anyone tell?

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

Also Check out Taylor's Here's a Thought columns:

• Sicko Fancy
• Mad Cow
• Healthy, Wealthy and Lies
• Brainstorm
• E-I-E-I-O
• Play Ball!
• Old News
• Middle-East Madness Leads to The FATA Four
• Bernie Made Off
• Manipulating the Market
• Rush (Limbaugh) to Judgement