Jokes for the Folks: Just Biden Our Time

So many good stories, where do we begin? How about in Connecticut, where an instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy was arrested after he allegedly bit a co-worker who told him “bite me.” He left the scene of the crime, so he’ll be charged with “bit-and-run.”

Down in Louisiana, a pink albino dolphin with red eyes was spotted swimming around a ship channel. Albino dolphins are an endangered species in Louisiana, just like any other animal that tastes good with hot sauce.

A Florida company developed the first picnic cooler that is grizzly bear resistant. The genius is in the simplicity: it’s a regular Styrofoam cooler, but it has a picture of Sarah Palin holding a shotgun on each side.

No one is busier than President Obama who hit a burger joint last week called “Five Guys Named Moe.” The Prez had a spicy burger with jalapeno peppers. We all know what that causes: Republican rhetoric.

The chief then headed to Egypt, where he received several standing ovations during a speech in Cairo when someone yelled out, “I love you!” This momentarily startled everyone here at NCV, because we thought Joe Biden was back in the States.

Before he left, General Motors filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection and the feds now own 60 percent of the car maker. Mr. Obama wanted GM because it's the only company that makes cars with trunks big enough to hold, you guessed it: Joe Biden.

The day after GM went belly-up, its stock was dropped from The Dow Jones Industrial Average as was the banking firm Citigroup, replaced by Travelers Cos. and Cisco Systems Inc. GM is now on the less-prestigious Trying To Keep Up With The Joneses average.

Good news out of NASA! They’ll have an invitation-only “tweedia” contingent at the next space shuttle launch to post updates on Twitter. Very hip, NASA! After they’re done tweeting, we suggest the NASA tweeters be served glasses of Twang.

Researchers studying National Football League players say a majority of them have high blood pressure, especially offensive linemen. On the positive side, the study showed that players on the Detroit Lions actually have a pulse.

This is encouraging. Peace Corps officials say requests for applications to volunteer have risen to 25,000 this year, up 40 percent from 2008. Of course, most of the applications are coming in from Detroit, and these folks request getting sent to Germany, Japan or Sweden.

A new study says Tourette syndrome, which causes involuntary cursing, is twice as likely to occur with white kids as black children. We think the numbers are closer to even. Parents of black children just think they’re rappin'.

Rapper Eminem admitted that he and Sacha Baron Cohen staged their alleged fight at the MTV Movie Awards show. They thought about doing it at the upcoming Tony Awards, but decided the bare-bottomed Cohen would be eaten alive by fans of Broadway musicals.

Rapper 50 Cent is suing an engineering firm for overcharging him on estimates for repairs to his Connecticut mansion. They wanted $1,200 per bullet hole! Outrageous! You go, Fitty!

Did you see that Angelina Jolie has moved ahead of Oprah Winfrey on Forbes magazine’s list of the world's most powerful celebrities? Madonna is third. We propose Madonna move ahead of Jolie next year by adopting Oprah.

And who says the recession isn’t slowing? Wal-Mart will add 22,000 workers to its retail store payroll this year. In other words, they have to find 22,000 people who will do the work of 44,000 for the pay of 11,000.

And MillerCoors brewing company says beer sales are up one percent, although that’s not so much because American are drinking more beer. It's because an empty beer keg can be easily converted into a Smart Car.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

Also Check Out Taylor's Here's a Thought columns:

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• Brainstorm
• E-I-E-I-O
• Play Ball!
• Old News
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• Bernie Made Off
• Manipulating the Market
• Rush (Limbaugh) to Judgement