Jokes for the Folks: I Did Stay at a Holiday Inn Express Last Night

While Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was in Beijing last week, confused Chinese media types asked if she had been elected the leader of the free world. “I’m not the President of The United States,” laughed the California politician, “but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

The real president took his wife Michelle to New York City for dinner and a Broadway show, keeping a campaign promise he had made to her. Joe Biden kept a promise too, by allowing his wife to duct-tape his mouth shut so that they could spend a quiet evening at home. Republican bigwigs tried to compare Mr. Obama’s trip to Manhattan to auto industry execs using taxpayer money for personal time. Please. GM execs would have blamed the need for federal money on cheaper restaurants and cheaper shows in Tokyo, where the chefs and actors don’t get health benefits.

Meanwhile, JFTF offers sincere congratulations to President Obama and his administration for discovering a renewable alternative energy source: The American Taxpayer. Way to go, guys!

Wikipedia officials have banned Church of Scientology members from editing the church’s entry on the Wiki site due to complaints that they were using it to distribute propaganda. Examples included one entry that claimed Scientologist Tom Cruise is a popular movie star; another proposed that Kirstie Alley had lost weight.

A personal story that is fit for the times: I was pulled over on the New Jersey Turnpike by a state trooper last week, who told me that I had been “weaving” between the three southbound lanes. I apologized and explained that I had been texting while driving, which made it hard to control my car. He wrote me a ticket on the spot that read: CN U TEXT THIS? IT’S A TKT. U R GIL T. $500 FINE. DONT TXT n DRIVE.

A sign appeared at our local gas station this week, where the price-per-gallon is usually displayed. It read, “BLOOD FOR OIL.” I thought it was an anti-war statement on behalf of management, but it turns out that will be the price of gas for June, July and August. That or your first-born. This could be an expensive summer…

The television industry just completed its yearly grasp for advertising dollars, also known as “sweeps week.” I’ve never liked sweeps week. All it did for me was teach my children how to curse.

From across the pond came this shocker: dance troupe “Diversity” beat everyone’s favorite – Susan Boyle – to win Britain’s Got Talent. After being wrong by predicting Adam Lambert and Boyle would win their respective competitions, Simon Cowell has been contacted by team officials from the Los Angeles Lakers and Orlando Magic, each begging Cowell to pick the other to win the NBA Championship.

Speaking of the NBA and the upcoming finals, we have early returns on the 2009 “Puppet-Of-The-Year” winners: the LeBron James and Kobe Bryant puppets that star in current Nike ads. Unfortunately, the spots will have to be pulled because the Cleveland Cavaliers found out that no team can win an NBA game playing one-on-five.

And finally, NCV gives a shout-out to The New York Yankees, who have already clinched a play-off spot and are just $25 million from clinching their division. Now that they’re winning again, it’s only a matter of time before the Yanks spend another $100 million and buy the American League East, followed by a paltry $150 million for the 2009 World Series.

Not everyone is a Bronx Bombers fan. A woman attending a Texas Rangers-Yankees game in Arlington, TX, last week was asked to turn her “Yankees Suck” T-Shirt inside out. Which she did, and after wearing it backwards for a few minutes, she could attest that those words are true.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

Also Check Out Taylor's Here's a Thought columns:

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