Congress Cancels the Weather

By AMBER FERGUSON
Disassociated Press Writer

WASHINGTON DC. (DP) – Because the recent flooding, tornadoes, and other attacks by the environment have stolen valuable media attention from the upcoming Presidential campaign, Congress may cancel the weather.

Democrat Speaker Nancy Pelosi pushed the measure through the House last Thursday, claiming, "If the current administration won’t do something to stop nature then we will."

Fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. "If the American people want to see water, they can turn on a faucet. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this President were more in tune with the American people he claims to lead, he would understand that."

Oil prices soared immediately after the resolution was passed.

In a rare bipartisan press conference Friday morning, Democratic presidential-contender Barack Obama and Republican nominee John McCain called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation.

"Hurricanes distract people enough," Senator Obama said. "But when you combine hurricanes with floods or wildfires or droughts, the media just can’t seem to stay focused on what’s really important. Our campaigns."

McCain agreed. "It’s a shocking situation. Last May, only two AP reporters showed up for my karaoke party in Topeka. And, so help me, they were interns. Simply because huge chunks of Texas and...and, well, a couple of less populous states were floating away."

Although House Republicans initially balked, several prominent members jumped the aisle and voted in favor of the measure, after an amendment to cancel the entire season of autumn was added.

The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by the Wall Street Journal and Highlights magazine reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of fall. Sixty-eight percent of respondents fear the measure will carry over into winter.

Angry protestors organized a nationwide protest Friday morning. An estimated ten thousand demonstrators marched in front of Toys ‘R Us stores in ten major cities, most holding handmade signs that read, "wat if santa clawz dont no wen its christmas time" and "we lik snow!"

President George W. Bush called a brief press conference at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, on Friday. The President stated clearly, "If this measure passes the Senate, I will veto it. The American people do not want the government messing around with their seasonings. I mean seasons."

In a quick rebuttal, Senator Obama lauded the heavy-handed measure in a press release early Saturday morning.

"There’s no point in only going halfway on the important issue of real weather change. Without the additional measure of canceling autumn, when those leaves start changing the American people will definitely not want to spend a lot of time inside watching our debates. Especially in New England."

Speaker Pelosi concurred in a press conference Saturday afternoon. "The President’s threat to veto this measure just proves once and for all he does not have his finger on the pulse of the American people. This, after all, is the man who allowed Katrina to destroy New Orleans."

Former Vice President and presidential nominee Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding how canceling the weather will affect global warming. When reporters caught up to him outside the Capitol, Gore said, "If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I’ll get back to you."

The Senate announced it will vote on the measure next week.

Oil prices soared immediately after the announcement.

Amber Ferguson loves politics and has won multiple writing competitions for her humor. Check out her website at www.amber-kay.com.