Columns
Here’s a Thought: The Jersey Shore
By Taylor Mason
I wouldn’t know anything about the MTV show “Jersey Shore.” But "the shore," as we call it, is a big part of our lives. ...
Martha's Laugh Lines: "Oh, Yeah?"
By Martha Bolton
I'm a non-confrontational person. It takes me a long time to even realize when someone has been rude or hurtful to me, and even longer to address it.
Here’s a Thought: Christian Scientist Monitor
By Taylor Mason
Separation of church and state: I get it, I’m for it, I’m not even questioning it. But I don’t get the separation of science and church.
Time Out: I So Don’t Scream
By Cara Garretson
Ice cream, that quintessential summer treat loved by all. Except me. It hovers around the bottom of my Top 10 Treats list.
Here’s a Thought: Backtalk
By Taylor Mason
It takes place the middle of July every year, at a non-descript hotel in an obscure suburb of Cincinnati. It is a convention of ventriloquists.
The Parent/Child Chaos EquationJune 26, 2008
By Cathy Hall
The other day I walked into my twenty-something daughter’s bedroom and noticed a bottle of carpet cleaner on her dresser. Never a good sign. Sure enough, there amidst the cream-colored wool carpet fibers screamed a brown stain that looked suspiciously like coffee. Heaven only knows how long it had been there. But we all know it wasn’t going anywhere. I fumed about that spotted carpet all morning long. Until the phone rang. It was my youngest son. He’d locked the keys in the car. Technically, I should say my car. And if I’m being really technical, I’d have to say it wasn’t the first time. Naturally, my husband was out of town. The kid was pretty much stuck until he could find someone to bring him all the way home to get my keys. And naturally, I thought of the Parent/Child Chaos Equation. Most parenting books gloss right over the mathematics involved in raising children. Like the negative numbers your bank account will dip into, or the ratio of money spent on you, the parent, as opposed to money spent on them, your children. However, the average mom and pop will figure those word problems out on their own. The Parent/Child Chaos Equation takes a little more study. It goes like this: If the number of children in a family unit (A) divided by the number of parents available in said family unit (B) is greater than 1, then the result is always chaos (C). We can plug in actual numbers like this: My son and daughter (2), divided by the parent at home at the time (1), equals a conniption fit. It’s simple math, really, that works on one principal. When the kids outnumber the parental units, danger is sure to follow. Why? Because it’s humanly impossible to keep an eye on the little darlings. If we humans were equipped with those roving eyeballs like newts, we might have a chance. But then again, we’d be newts. Roving eyeballs would have been mighty handy when my three children were small. I remember one chaotic bathtime when I was elbow-deep with suds and one of the little darlings. The other precious darling chose that exact moment to take a permanent marker and autograph various pieces of furniture around the house. And I’ll never forget the evening when I sat dutifully checking my older child’s homework. That was the moment that littlest brother had the brilliant idea to use our wallpaper rather than toilet paper to wipe poop off his hand. It’s enough to make the newt idea appealing. So what’s a parent to do? The only solution to the Parent/Child Chaos Equation that I know is prayer. Say a prayer for patience. And just to be on the safe side, add an extra prayer asking the Good Lord to watch over your brood when you can’t. In fact, I’m praying right now. Because there are two children on the premises. And I am home alone. Cathy C. Hall is a humor columnist and freelance writer. She tells her children that she only writes about them once in a blue moon, but you can find out the truth at cathychall.blogspot.com. |
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Parent-Child Equation
I love this and I'm so glad you're not a newt even though a roving eye would be extremely helpful with kids around.
Made me laugh. This is
Made me laugh. This is exactly what I had in mind when I wrote my poem "Thank God School's Out For Summer" on Triond. We wouldn't know what to do without them and it's gone before we know it with only memories to share with them. As for the eyes in the back of the head reply, my twin daughters remember combing my hair at night and actually looking for mine. I always told them they were there, but they could somethow never find them.
The Parent/Child Chaos
Cathy, I think the equation doesn't even work if it's in reverse, two parents with one child, especially when the parents aren't as smart as the child. Kids are getting smarter and smarter these days. Great article, I really enjoyed it.
Parent-Child Equation
Love it, love it, love it! Didn't you think all moms were newts when you were young or that they had an extra eye that would protrude only when you didn't want her to see something? I tried to convince my kids of that early on in the hope that they wouldn't bother trying stuff. Not much luck there. But being a grandmother is sweet revenge!
Parent/Child Chaos
I'm not sure about roving eyeballs but my oldest thought his teacher really, truly, actually, had eyes in the back of her head. Creepsville! Thanks for the love- Cathy
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