The Parent/Child Chaos Equation

The other day I walked into my twenty-something daughter’s bedroom and noticed a bottle of carpet cleaner on her dresser. Never a good sign. Sure enough, there amidst the cream-colored wool carpet fibers screamed a brown stain that looked suspiciously like coffee. Heaven only knows how long it had been there. But we all know it wasn’t going anywhere.

I fumed about that spotted carpet all morning long. Until the phone rang. It was my youngest son. He’d locked the keys in the car. Technically, I should say my car. And if I’m being really technical, I’d have to say it wasn’t the first time.

Naturally, my husband was out of town. The kid was pretty much stuck until he could find someone to bring him all the way home to get my keys. And naturally, I thought of the Parent/Child Chaos Equation.

Most parenting books gloss right over the mathematics involved in raising children. Like the negative numbers your bank account will dip into, or the ratio of money spent on you, the parent, as opposed to money spent on them, your children. However, the average mom and pop will figure those word problems out on their own. The Parent/Child Chaos Equation takes a little more study.

It goes like this: If the number of children in a family unit (A) divided by the number of parents available in said family unit (B) is greater than 1, then the result is always chaos (C). We can plug in actual numbers like this: My son and daughter (2), divided by the parent at home at the time (1), equals a conniption fit.

It’s simple math, really, that works on one principal. When the kids outnumber the parental units, danger is sure to follow. Why? Because it’s humanly impossible to keep an eye on the little darlings. If we humans were equipped with those roving eyeballs like newts, we might have a chance. But then again, we’d be newts.

Roving eyeballs would have been mighty handy when my three children were small. I remember one chaotic bathtime when I was elbow-deep with suds and one of the little darlings. The other precious darling chose that exact moment to take a permanent marker and autograph various pieces of furniture around the house. And I’ll never forget the evening when I sat dutifully checking my older child’s homework. That was the moment that littlest brother had the brilliant idea to use our wallpaper rather than toilet paper to wipe poop off his hand. It’s enough to make the newt idea appealing.

So what’s a parent to do? The only solution to the Parent/Child Chaos Equation that I know is prayer. Say a prayer for patience. And just to be on the safe side, add an extra prayer asking the Good Lord to watch over your brood when you can’t. In fact, I’m praying right now. Because there are two children on the premises. And I am home alone.

Cathy C. Hall is a humor columnist and freelance writer. She tells her children that she only writes about them once in a blue moon, but you can find out the truth at cathychall.blogspot.com.