Columns
Here’s a Thought: Opening Act
By Taylor Mason
For those of you not familiar with how I roll: I’ve been a comedian for 25-plus years and been an “opening act” for a variety of performers. Some highlights. ...
Here's a Thought: Death by Cancer
By Taylor Mason
My sister-in-law passed away last Thursday, felled by cancer after a seven-year battle. She was a dignified, lovely, inspiring wife and mother who beat the odds over and over again.
Time Out: Safety ‘Net
By Patty Elder
Summer in DC means storms, and storms mean power outages. And power outages bring out my worst fear, and it's NOT the dark. ...
Here’s a Thought: Hot Enough for Ya?
By Taylor Mason
The heat was debilitating this summer, so much so that the word “hot” doesn’t do justice to the grades of temperature we've sweated these past few months.
Time Out: Make Yourself at Home
By Cara Garretson
It’s beach week, and so far so good. We bust into our rented beach house and it looks great – the bathrooms are sparkling, the décor is charming, the kitchen is retro. ...
Jokes for The Folks: Who You Calling Retarded?February 05, 2010
By Taylor Mason
At some point this feature will stop making fun of the Obama Administration and their incompetence, because it’s just too easy. But not today. Mr. Obama appeared on The Tonight Show last March and compared his bowling skills to competitors in The Special Olympics. To refine his point, he said, “… the retards would make me feel better about my scores!” He then apologized. (Note: the staff here at JFTF is happy to offer our punchline-writing skills to the leader of the free world. Our promise: Mr. President: WE CAN MAKE YOU FUNNY… er… funnier… wait… you know what? Forget it. You’re doing great on your own.) In an effort to out-do his boss and prove to the entire country that the Democratic Party is in complete panic mode, White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel called liberal activists the same word: “retards” on Monday. To emphasize his point, Mr. Emanuel preceded the word “retard” with a choice profanity. Emanuel followed administration protocol and then apologized. It’s interesting to note that we at JFTF have worked with and for The Special Olympics, we’ve had the opportunity to spend time with handicapped children and adults in many situations. Never have they acted with the gracelessness and malice that The White House has. This administration would do well to act more like the people they make fun of. It’s become a movie: “Dumb and Dumber.” Two days after Emanuel acts like a dweeb, Barack Obama referred to a Navy corpsman as a Navy “corpse-man” at a National Prayer Breakfast. Not just once, not just twice, but three times the country’s Commander in mispronounced a word that is dee rigger… er… de rigueur within the military. Clearly a fox paws… er… faux pas. At least he knows how to say “lee-oo-tenant”… er… lieutenant. And Kor-poor-al… er… corporal. Oh, we’re being so face ties… uh… facetious. President Obama wants to eliminate the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy to the U.S. Military. Let’s make a deal: you can bring that up for a vote with congress Mr. President, as soon as you learn how to pronounce words like “corpsman.” The Iran space program is making noise. Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad boasted that his country launched a spacecraft that contained a mouse, two turtles and some worms into the sky. Hey! I’m pretty sure that was a project in my 8th-grade science class with Mr. Holt at Hinsdale Junior High School. I got a “C” because it didn’t go into orbit. The Iranian ship didn’t either. Toyota is having all sorts of problems, highlighted by the Prius which, according to Apple co-founder Steve “Woz” Wozniak is having acceleration problems because of its software. Have you seen “Woz” lately? He should be happy if any car he is in can accelerate at all. And the sharp eye of the JFTF staff saw a report on CNN (so it has to be true!) that scientists have discovered a way that allows people in a vegetative state to communicate by having them visualize things and then measure their brain activity. This could mean Keith Richards can go for another 20 years! Long live Madonna! Finally, an explanation for Larry King! Most disturbing story of the year: Monopoly, the popular board game, has changed from cash to an electronic “debit card,” which requires swiping in order to purchase the valuable properties, buildings, etc. No more embezzling. No more hoarding cash. NO MORE CHEATING! What’s the point? How are we supposed to train future bankers, Wall Street honchos and politicians? Congratulations to the Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts! Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist, writer and gadget freak. He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).
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