Jokes For The Folks: US Scareways

This past Thursday was the anniversary of the 1973 Supreme Court decision known as Roe v. Wade. My, how times have changed. Today, Roe versus Wade more accurately describes the dilemma facing passengers trying to leave a US Airways jet.

I fly USAirways all the time, and they have updated their service in so many ways since their jet went surfing on the Hudson River last week. Jetways are now called “gang planks.” Every plane has a foghorn. And best of all? Every aircraft comes with a glass bottom, making it easier to spot fish and engines that have sunk into the water! And news reports that USAirways sent each of the 155 passengers a check for $5,000 for their belongings were mistaken. It was actually $5,000.25; the quarter goes for the never-used bag of peanuts.

I don’t know how he did it, but Dick Cheney may be the only person in the world who can make you feel less sympathetic toward him by climbing into a wheelchair.  He looked like the evil stepsister in a Grimm fairy tale last Tuesday.

Treasury Secretary-designee Timothy Geithner apologized to a Senate committee that he was careless in not paying $34,000 in taxes earlier this decade. He swears that if appointed, he’ll keep apologizing for the stuff that we don’t even know about yet, and if the amount owed goes over $100,000, he’ll say, “Forgive me, pretty please!” He’s a shoe-in!

How cool was the inauguration?  Designer Jason Wu says he was eating pizza and watching inauguration coverage on TV when he saw First Lady Michelle Obama wearing his gown! This prompted his upcoming first design for men: pizza-stained pants. This put to rest the nasty rumor that FOX News had spread, claiming the dress was designed by “Joe the Dressmaker.”

Pastor Rick Warren gave the Inaugural Invocation, and he is clearly digging the scene in a new, energized, vibrant Washington, DC. His new book is titled, “The Purpose Driven Limo.”

So we’ve had a new president for a week now. Hey, I thought things were supposed to get better! Day One for President Obama: he met with his economic advisers, met with military commanders, called the leaders of Egypt, Syria and Palestine. None had ideas on what kind of dog to get! Things got crazy right away. During his speech, the president said, “It’s time to get to work re-making America.” Confused Americans rushed right out and caused a surge in Home Depot stock.

For his part, former President George W. Bush flew to Midland, TX, where some 35,000 people greeted him after his final flight on Air Force One. Seeing many in the adoring crowd holding up signs in the shape of a “W,” Mr. Bush shouted, “You’ve got your signs upside down! It’s “M” for Midland!”

Some 29,000 people have applied for one of 1,700 spots in next fall’s freshman class at Harvard University. Preference goes, in this order, to: rich kids; relatives of significant/wealthy alumni; and anyone who can figure out the probability of acceptance in their head.

By now you’re aware of the possibly contaminated peanut butter products all over the nation, including in some dog biscuits. As a precaution, the FDA has expanded the recall to include canines named “Skippy.” The whole thing has gotten out of hand. Some sicko in Ohio tried robbing a bank by threatening a teller with a package of Nutter Butters.

Fox has a new TV series out called “Lie To Me”. It’s really a Bernie Madoff infomercial on how to interact with your best investment clients.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

For more selections from Taylor and the other NCV writers, please visit the New Christian Voices Clean Comedy Store.