Jokes for the Folks: Radio Ventriloquism

We send congratulations out to The University of Florida, whose student-athletes defeated Oklahoma University in the BCS Championship game last Thursday night. The game featured penalties, intercepted passes and offensive futility. Not to mention the 500+ TV ads (funded by US taxpayers with bailout money!) braying about gas-guzzling American-made trucks with eight cylinders and tow packages that can drive through fire.

The best sports story this week comes from Canada, where Ottawa Senators hockey forward Jarkko Ruutu was suspended for two games without pay after he bit an opposing player on the gloved hand during a fight! On the gloved hand? Isn’t that like throwing a haymaker at a football player wearing his helmet? The NHL says the penalty would have been stiffer, but this is hockey, and Ruutu doesn’t have any teeth.

When the economy tanks the sin business goes up. In Walnut Ridge, Arkansas, a man was accused of setting up a meth lab in the basement of a funeral home. He was arrested and posted bail: a few toupees, a couple of prosthetic legs and a hundred gold fillings. He told police the funeral home was “the only place where the residents have teeth more rotten than mine.”

President Bush and wife Laura will fly directly to Midland, Texas, after leaving Washington, DC on inauguration day. We’re disappointed! We were hoping he’d stand next to Mr. Obama at the ceremony and yell, “I’m going to Disneyland!” GW is the first sitting president since FDR to not eat at New York’s “21” restaurant. Who can blame him? He won’t eat anywhere that has a name higher than his approval rating.

For his part, Barack Obama is fighting to keep his Blackberry once he takes office. He has gone as far as telling the Secret Service that it’s a perfect blocker for thrown shoes.

Did you see the Oval Office picture of President Bush, President-elect Obama and former presidents Bush, Clinton and Carter? The anti-Mt. Rushmore! Finally, the IQ in the Oval Office hit three digits! Obama appeared to be the only one who did NOT have his hands behind his back hiding the souvenirs he stole.

Celebrity Food Network chef Bobby Flay is getting his own radio talk show. A cooking show on the radio? Radio Mime Theater, you have hope! More importantly, we can’t wait for ventriloquism to make a big come back on radio –“you’ll never see my lips moving!”

Jenny Craig Inc. announced that singer and actress Queen Latifah will continue as its celebrity spokeswoman for 2009. If she falls off the diet wagon, she’s already received an offer for 2010 to become Dairy Queen Latifah. And Oprah Winfrey says she gained 40 pounds in three years gorging on bags of organic multigrain blue corn chips. She knew she was in trouble when her PC crashed, and she started licking the blue screen.

Speaking of blue computer screens, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas that the beta version of Windows 7 is available now. Here’s a money-making tip: go to Vegas, find a bookie and take 2-to-1 on a million blue screens by this coming Tuesday.

Macy's is closing 11 stores in nine states. No problem! The Snoopy float they sponsor in the Thanksgiving Day Parade is being downsized – we suggest one of Taylor Mason’s puppets!

Finally, an empty Continental Airlines jet demonstrated that aircraft can fly on alternative fuels. In this case the fuel was derived from algae. Interestingly, it is the same algae that flourished in the passenger cabin’s drinking water. Prelude to the self-fueling airplane?

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

For more selections from Taylor and the other NCV writers, please visit the New Christian Voices Clean Comedy Store