Jokes for the Folks: Here Are Some with Teeth!

Let’s start in the southwestern part of the USA, along the Mexican border, where you’ll see plenty of drugs, heavy weaponry and armored vehicles. And that’s just the college kids there on spring break!

More from the collegiate ranks: The University of Alabama football program admitted to NCAA violations involving “student athletes” and textbooks. This marks the first time Alabama football players have ever been linked in any way to college textbooks.

Our favorite story of the week comes from Longview, WA. A shoplifter spent 12 hours in a grocery store before trying to escape with her stolen items. Not a bad ruse. Other shoppers said she stood around doing nothing for so long, they thought she was an employee.

Super Bowl quarterback Kurt Warner signed a contract to play remain with The Arizona Cardinals. Warner reported that God told him, “You’re supposed to be in Arizona.” We have it on good authority that God also told him, “And if the offensive line lets you get hurt, they’re all going straight to Hell.”

The recession is creating some interesting personal situations. Today I hit my local ATM for $20, and the machine spit out 20 shares of CitiBank and some loose change.

A just-released study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology suggests Sarah Palin’s good looks helped lose the election for John McCain last fall. According to the report, it is naturally difficult for anyone to compete with the ultra-tight facelift, the phony veneers and the uneven hair plugs of a Joe Biden.

Speaking of the vice president, Mr. Biden was to have made some remarks earlier this week regarding the economy and international affairs, but he was bound and gagged by President Obama’s staff.

Uh-oh. CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta withdrew his name from consideration for Surgeon General on Obama’s staff because – here is the red flag – he wants to “spend more time with his family.” We know what that means: Dr. Gupta hasn’t paid his taxes, cheated his way through medical school and/or used steroids. Then again, who would want to be the nation’s doctor right now, when every day your patient is sick, unemployed and bankrupt? Besides, Sanjay has a pretty cushy gig right now over at CNN, injecting news anchor Jack Cafferty with a daily dose of GOM (Grumpy Old Man).

According to the Huffington Post, Mikhail Gorbachev says that Vladimir Putin’s United Russia Party is similar to “the worst of the Communist Party of the old Soviet Union.” In a related story, Gorbachev is now being sued for plagiarism by Rush Limbaugh.

Mr. Limbaugh spent the week under attack from the Democratic Party and the White House. Here at NCV, we’re just happy the Middle East conflict has ended, gas prices are going down, the health care problem has been dealt with, Wall Street is on the rebound, and the president can turn his attention to radio talk show hosts.

Michael Jackson announced he’ll play a series of “final” concerts in London this July, and then retire for good. Right. And he has a ranch in California he’d like to sell you, too.

A customer at a Wal-Mart in Falmouth, MA, was looking at a wallet when he found human teeth in one of the compartments. And here you thought, “taking a bite out of your paycheck” was just a metaphor.

Finally, Roman Catholic Bishops are urging the faithful to give up modern technology – such as text messaging, using iPods and surfing the Internet – for Lent. The mandate was sent out via blast email, Twitter, Facebook and the Pope’s MySpace page.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).