Jokes for the Folks: Fiduciary Pie

President Obama unveiled his federal budget, Thursday, which included higher taxes for wealthy individuals, $318 billion for universal health care, and a creative way for the Dodgers to sign Manny Ramirez.

They were busy over at the House of Representatives too. There are great challenges facing the country, so the House passed a resolution recognizing the late actor Paul Newman for his actions on and off the screen. That makes it official; all of the real problems in this country have been solved.

“What we have here is failure to communicate” is not just a quote from “Cool Hand Luke.” It should be carved above the doors into the House of Representatives, the Senate building and The White House.

JPMorgan Chase announced it will eliminate about 12,000 positions as part of its acquisition of Washington Mutual. If you worked for WaMu, your job is now NoMo.

An Arkansas state Senate panel has rejected a bill that would allow concealed handguns in Arkansas churches. This was a big disappointment to the parishioners at Our Lady of Good Shot.

Why won’t he go away? We know the answer here at NCV! Investigators have found that the son of Illinois Senator Roland Burris got a $75,000-a-year job from former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich just five months ago. Burris and Blago just don’t get it. Off camera they keep saying,  “This is the way we’ve always done things in Illinois and Chicago! What is the problem?”

From the halls of science, geneticists say they have discovered the gene that is responsible for making teeth grow in a row. They have successfully found it in mice that were able to grow new teeth, though they’ve never mastered the art of flossing.

In 2008, over 2,000 sewage treatment spills dumped 15 million gallons of human waste into San Francisco Bay, as the adjacent city is quickly becoming the armpit of the nation. Those aren’t seagulls flying overhead. Those are giant flies!

In his first match play since returning from knee surgery, Tiger Woods lost in the second round of the Accenture Championship. In other words, Tiger finished out of the money.  Geez, I hope he’ll be OK!

Former NBA star Charles Barkley, once known as “The Round Mound of Rebound,” says he is not worried about doing 5 days in jail for drunk driving. Here at NCV, we have a new nickname for the big guy: “Round Mound of Impound!”

Good luck and Godspeed to Pro basketball Hall of Fame member Dave Bing, who is running for mayor of Detroit, where he starred for the Pistons. Bing is a safe choice since he got all of his sex and drug scandals out of the way while he was in the NBA.

The winner of an ice fishing contest in Wisconsin was disqualified and had to return the first prize pickup truck after he was caught cheating. Officials got suspicious when they had to brush breadcrumbs off the winning fish.

Way to go, Dustin Hoffman! The thespian was made an honorary commander in France's National Order of Arts and Letters. Dusty has a rep for being difficult to work with, making him the idol of all French waiters.

Finally, police in Michigan arrested three teens for stealing a safe full of antique money. Typical teen-agers: one of them tried to get change at a bank for a $1,000 bill soon after the heist, which alerted bank officials and the police. The kid was wrestled to the ground by the bank’s president, who thought he had stolen the thousand-dollar bill from his bailout money.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).