Jokes For the Folks: Manny Being Manny

We can’t believe it! Another major league baseball star busted for using steroids? Say it ain’t so! This time it’s ESPN’s favored son Manny Ramirez, being… well, as they like to say on Sportscenter, “Manny being Manny.” The Dodger outfielder claims his doctor “prescribed” the synthetic drug for him, and we can sympathize. Here at NCV, we were suspicious right away when we found that the physician’s name is “Doctor Fieldgood.”

Poor Miss California. More revealing photos of Carrie Prejean are everywhere on the worldwide web, even after the young lady claimed there was only one of these risqué photos out there. We are 100% behind Miss Prejean, and we have some suggestions! First, why not make all the Christian single men out there happy and pose, fully-clothed, in a new Christian men’s magazine? Call it, “Prayboy!” Second, we feel she should come up with her own line of Christian lingerie. Store name? Saint Victoria’s Secret!

The new Star Trek movie is coming out. Lots of Democrats are cast in the lead roles, and we know why: Star Trek is a post-money, post-health care, one-class nirvana. Everything about it is perfectly filmed, perfectly performed and perfectly perfect. And, as with most things Democrat, it is 100% fictional.

There are NO Republicans in any roles in this new version of Star Trek. Why not? Because it’s set in the future.

The economy is still in a shambles. The Treasury Department’s stress test showed that many of the nation’s largest banks need more funds. Are you kidding? Forget the stress test! What the government needs to figure out is which banks can make a dollar go further by giving them a “stretch test,” since that’s what most of us are doing – stretching our dollars.

According to 20th Century Fox, the unfinished copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine that was illegally posted on the ‘net has been downloaded more than 4 million times since March 30. This is interesting for a couple of reasons. It’s an action film, which means the entire script is only 21 pages long (sample dialogue: “Get the car!” and “Watch out!”) But more importantly, the research staff here at NCV has learned that more than 2 million of those downloads were done by salons all over the country, as women tried to figure out how to get their nails to look like Wolverine’s.

Michelle Obama said the biggest thrill, so far, as First Lady was an appearance on Sesame Street. She agreed to do the popular children’s program as a way to discuss healthy eating. Unfortunately, during her discussion of pork tenderloin, frog legs and poultry, half the Muppets were in hiding during the shoot.

Coincidentally, President Obama and Vice-President Biden went to Ray’s Hell Burger in Virginia for lunch this past week! Turns out that the First Lady eats healthy, but her husband? Again, the crack staff here at NCV has the scoop. Joe Biden bought the burgers. Apparently, he lost a friendly little wager with his Chief Executive Officer. It was a simple gamble: Obama wagered that Biden would stick his foot in his mouth a dozen times in the first 100 days. Congrats, Mr. President!

Kirstie Alley, the popular actress and weight loss spokesperson for Jenny Craig, admits she has gained 83 pounds since she stopped working for the weight-loss company two years ago. We have the solution: if they do a “Cheers” reunion, Ms. Alley can play both Rebecca Howe and the bar!

Did you see that Amazon.com has a new, more expensive version of its Kindle reading device? It costs $489. We like to call it: “The Swindle.”

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

Also Check out Taylor's Here's a Thought columns:

• Mad Cow
• Healthy, Wealthy and Lies
• Brainstorm
• E-I-E-I-O
• Play Ball!
• Old News
• Middle-East Madness Leads to The FATA Four
• Bernie Made Off
• Manipulating the Market
• Rush (Limbaugh) to Judgement