Jokes for the Folks: Taking the Queen Off the Dribble

Biggest story of the week: The Simpsons are immortal! The United States Post Office will honor the popular TV cartoon with a new 44-cent First Class stamp later this year. The drawback? Don’t lick ‘em! They taste like barf, man!

Best story of the week comes from Iowa. A man failed to pay for his artificial leg and has been arrested. The judge asked why he stole it, but the guy only shrugged and said, “I’m stumped.” He ended up pleading not guilty, and claiming the leg was for his wife, Peg. The truth is, he wanted to return it, but he put it on backwards and couldn’t get out of his apartment before the police came.

Did you hear about this one? The Hollywood Wax Museum is putting 200 wax figures up for auction, including James Dean, the Beatles, Marilyn Monroe and Bill Clinton. There hasn’t been this much wax up for sale in Hollywood since Joan Rivers stopped buying birthday cakes with candles.

A pet shop in Connecticut has a baby bunny with two noses. Here at NCV, we have an idea. With two noses, the bunny must twitch and wriggle twice the normal amount for a rabbit, so we suggest they name it: Amy Winehouse!

Here’s more from the animal kingdom: an animal rights activist in Kansas bought a cow that escaped while on its way to the slaughterhouse and is paying for a pasture where the cow can live out its days in peace. The activist, Calvin Nisly, is now being swamped with calls from death row inmates claiming to be named “Elsie.”

Every once in a while we get a story that doesn’t need a punchline – an Ohio man was arrested and hospitalized after crashing his motorized bar stool. He has been charged with driving while intoxicated. Yes, he attached a lawnmower engine to a barstool and crashed it. He has requested a trial by a jury of his peers. Dude, you have no peers. YOU WERE DRIVING A BARSTOOL! The good news? GM has contacted the guy and bought the rights. Mass production of the vehicle will start later this year. “It could save the auto industry in the USA,” says new General Motors CEO Barack Obama.

Take this for what it’s worth, because the source is the financially troubled New York Times. The Obama administration reportedly wants to ease GM into a controlled bankruptcy over a two-year period, and then split it into two pieces. Some officials are ready to take the troubled auto manufacturer to a Tijuana chop-shop, where it would be hacked into pieces in less than 6 minutes!

The Obama’s are in London, on the first leg of a five-country trip. Did you see the pictures of Barack with Queen Elizabeth II? He is helping her perfect a 15-foot-jump-shot and her cross-over dribble. The Brits are buzzing about the Queen breaking royal protocol and putting her arm around Michelle Obama in a rare display of affection. How rare? Right after the hug, Prince Philip looked at President Obama and asked, “What was that?”

Our president says that the U.S. will join with South Korea and respond if North Korea goes ahead with a long-range rocket launch. Put in perspective, this is like a bug-zapper joining a fly swatter to chase a mosquito.

And to wrap things up, baseball season is here! The number one complaint of the fans? Ticket and concession prices have skyrocketed! Many fans are standing in line as you read this, taking out a home equity loan to buy hot dogs and beer at the games.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).