Jokes for the Folks: I Was Taylor When It Wasn't Cool

My name was “Taylor” before that name became the “in” name for children starting about the year 2000. Now every other kid is named Taylor! What the children of today don’t know is that the name comes with some responsibilities. For example, since I’m a Christian and my name is Taylor, I shop for clothes at: Lord & Taylor.

GM and Segway have unveiled a two-wheeled, two-seat electric vehicle based on the Segway scooter. The Chinese have a similar vehicle using manpower, called a “Rickshaw.” THIS IS WHAT THE BAILOUT GETS US!?

Not to be outdone, The Volkswagen Golf VI was named the 2009 World Car at the New York International Auto Show. At the bottom of the list was the new GM/Segway combo car mentioned above, which was called “The Golf Cart.”

American Airlines Arena in Miami is the first arena in the USA to meet strict environmental standards set by the LEED green building rating system. And these standards are so tough, the NBA team that plays there, The Miami Heat, has to change its name to The Miami Solar Panels.

We’re celebrating Easter, and found a story that centers on the Christian faith! Up in Worcester, Massachusetts, a man was upset about his 20-year-old unpaid speeding ticket, because it stopped him from renewing his driver’s license. So he reacted by knocking over a 150-year-old statue of Moses in the courthouse. He will be charged with malicious destruction of property, disturbing the peace and bringing a plague of locusts upon Worcester.

More from our faith-based files for the week: a researcher in the Vatican Secret Archives has found a document that suggests the Shroud of Turin, said to be Jesus’ burial cloth, was hidden by the Knights Templar for more than 100 years after the Crusades! The researcher has known about the document for years, refusing to say anything until the film role of Pope Benedict is given to Tom Hanks. We’ll keep you updated!

Lots of U.S. schoolchildren are on spring break this week, making them happy (and their parents crazy). While they’re out of class, they should know that according to a recent study, more than half of the teachers in our school system are eligible for retirement during the next ten years. Most kids we know are shocked because they think ALL their teachers are old enough to retire.

Walgreen’s has refused to sell a Chia Obama plant in stores even though the maker says it’s “totally patriotic.” If the Chia people want something patriotic, give us a Chia plant that grows money. I guarantee the president will go for that!

Two California women were charged with staging scam funerals to collect life insurance payments and other money totaling an estimated $1 million. This kind of cheating, where criminals use imaginary dead people to collect insurance money has a name. It’s a form of ponzi scheme, actually, known as “Weekend At Bernie Madoff’s.”

President Obama is urging all Americans to refinance their homes, taking advantage of interest rates that are at all-time record lows. How low? Ty Pennington has stopped tearing down houses and is working on a new show called “Extreme Makeover: Mortgage Edition.”

And some Good News for Good Friday: at least one retailer out there is doing well! The 99 Cents Only Store chain reports that its fourth-quarter sales were up 13.3%. Sales would have been higher, but even their customers can’t buy into 99 cent Chateaubriand.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).