Jokes for the Folks: Friday the 13th

Yep, it’s Friday the 13th, a day that many consider “unlucky.” Here at New Christian Voices, we have it from good sources it’s the reason Octo-Mom out in California went for 14 children. Good news, though! Actress Salma Hayek has offered to help feed the little darlings.

They’re dropping like flies! Can we get any Obama nominations to stick? Republican Judd Gregg is the latest loss, nominated as Pres. Obama’s commerce secretary, he abruptly withdrew his nomination last Thursday. Mr. Gregg speaks our Commander-In-Chief’s language, though. He texted Obama’s Blackberry, “I’m just not that into you!”

One word describes the weather this winter: INSANE. High winds topping 60mph, knocking out power to hundreds of thousands of people from the Great lakes to the east coast this past week. What did people do without electricity? Crazy stuff. They talked quietly in their homes, and some even read books.

This story hurts to think about. In Salt Lake City, a woman who had the Guinness world record for the longest fingernails had them broken in an auto accident. Get this: her right thumbnail was 2-feet, 11-inches long. Don’t worry, she’s going to be okay. However, the driver of the car in front of her has some serious puncture wounds, as does the driver’s side airbag in her own vehicle.

Bret Favre called New York Jets owner Woody Johnson Wednesday to tell him that he is retiring. How many retirements is this for ol’ Number Four? He’s become the Barbara Streisand of the NFL.

Did you hear about the Florida man who was arrested after letting his 8-year-old son drive the family van for a “bonding moment.” Well, it worked because the dad is now out on bond, for the moment.

More from the Sunshine State: a 66-year-old man was arrested for calling 911 and complaining that a fast-food restaurant was out of lemonade. FOOL! Everybody knows that if you want to complain about a business running out of something, you call the Treasury Department!

New Christian Voices salutes Netflix, the mail-order DVD company, which announced it now has more than 10 million subscribers. That’s the biggest milestone the company has passed since… well, we have to go back to when the number of Pauly Shore movie rentals topped ten.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. The Department of Agriculture has confirmed that Africanized honeybees have been found for the first time in Utah, which, is coincidentally known as “The Beehive State.” The killer bees are expected to spread fast in Utah because every male can have multiple queen bees.

Animal lovers have gone too far. Authorities in Buffalo removed more than 100 chickens, rabbits, rodents, iguanas and tarantulas from a two-bedroom apartment. That’s what will happen to Americans who can’t get their peanut butter.

And the feel-good story of the week? A 10-year-old Sussex spaniel named “Stump” became the oldest best in show winner at the Westminster Kennel Club. Stump won in spite of an accusation of steroid use by a dog named A-Ruff.

Treasury Sec. Tim Geithner announced a plan to pump $2 trillion into America’s banking system. Some of that money will be used to upgrade computer technology. This means your teller will be able to talk to her friends on Twitter, MySpace and Facebook while at the same time mishandling your deposit and wasting your time.

Former Beatle Paul McCartney will open a new showroom at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, called “The Joint.” The opening night guest list features a few celebrities, led by swimmer Michael Phelps.

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).