COMMON SAINTS: Take My Junk – Please!

Don’t look now, but Spring is here. And that means it’s garage sale season again! And, as luck would have it, I happen to live in a part of Denver that has been zoned “the garage sale capital of the world.” 

As a kid, growing up in Southern California, I remember seeing garage sales every so often – usually only on a Saturday – perhaps once a month. Maybe twice.  But where I currently live, it is not uncommon to see garage sales every single weekend – usually starting as early as Thursday – and taking place within a few blocks of each other. I guess a lot of people have a lot of junk they hope a lot of people will buy so they can make a lot of money.    

I’m not a fan of garage sales for several reasons.

First – they are just too much work.  You lug all that stuff up from the basement and arrange it neatly on wobbly card tables. You become an instant marketing expert by creating dumb little signs with catchy phrases such as “50% off!” or “Anything in this box - $2.00!” Some folks get creative and hang shirts and other items of clothing from fancy racks they purchased many years ago at another garage sale 3 blocks away. Most hang clothes from the open garage door and tree limbs. Some just toss the clothing onto the lawn, allowing the morning dew to smooth out the wrinkles. It’s usually not until after all that stuff is sitting on the tables or lawn that you suddenly realize you could have saved a lot of time and effort by simply listing all that junk on Ebay. 

And, no offense, but don’t you think that most people who hold garage sales look a little bit like those people sitting on top of broken down mobile homes in the middle of the dessert waiting for the UFOs to arrive? They usually have that one eye that doesn’t quite look forward. And there’s always that one, older relative, sitting in the back of the garage staring mindlessly into space.   

I’ve noticed they always have lemonade for sale. Right! Like I’m gonna buy a consumable beverage from someone trying to sell me warped 8-track tapes, used diapers and a copy of the Bible that they claim is a “first edition, signed by the author.”  For all I know they’ve got Uncle Hank in the backyard stirring a big tub of lemonade with his arm. No, thank you. I’ll stay parched for a while. 

Garage sale signs bother me, too. Most people use a sheet of notebook paper and a thin, ball-point pen. Who can read this as you’re speeding by at 15 miles per hour?  And what’s up with the arrows? How difficult is it to simply draw one arrow that guides me somewhere in the approximate direction of your house? 

I saw a sign last weekend that said: “Estate Sale” – the arrow was pointing DOWN! Apparently, Satan was having a garage sale. I had a few extra minutes, so I stopped by.  Found a pitchfork I really liked.  And some coals...

It was a hell of a deal. …  

Dan McGowan is a comic and actor living in Denver and working anywhere people will pay him. Dan, who was a contestant on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing,” has appeared in several television commercials and most recently was a finalist in the search for the new Maytag repairman. Dan performs clean comedy and musical parodies in churches and corporations nationwide and is a published author, songwriter and music composer.