COMMON SAINTS: Don't Touch That Dial!

I am a child of 60’s television. This might offer one reason why I have such a twisted, bizarre view of life. Television shows in the 1960’s were not only childish and moronic – they made no sense! And I fear that watching these shows as a child has left me confused as an adult.

My Favorite Martian is a great example of what I’m talking about. In the show, the late actor Bill Bixby plays Tim O’Hara, a newspaper reporter. And, as we all know, a newspaper reporter has one task – to find the big story, the “biggest scoop,” if you will.  As fate (or TV writers) would have it, Tim, the newspaper-man, finds – A MARTIAN! And what does this top-notch newspaper reporter do with that information?  He keeps it a SECRET! I mean, you don’t wanna share information like THAT, do you? Sharing information of that magnitude could lead to all sorts of things. Like Pulitzers, best-selling books, notoriety, fame and fortune!  Who wants THAT?    

Another prime example is Bewitched. You will remember that Darren Stevens, a mortal, falls in love with and marries Samantha, who just happens to be a witch. An attractive witch, no doubt. But, still, a witch. She has the ability to perform hexes and spells for just about any purpose – even domestic ones like cleaning the house or planting a lovely rose bush in the front yard.  But Darren will have none of that.  He wants, “no witchcraft” in his home. He wants things “normal.” He wants things “human.” Forget the fact that with only a single twitch of her nose, Samantha could easily add a tennis court to the backyard, upgrade that Chevy to a Porsche, or beef up that bank account a little bit. If nothing else, Darren, please at least let Sam do one magic trick – let her pin back those Dumbo-sized ears of yours! 

Lassie always baffled me. Everyone was spellbound with how intelligent that dog was. Whenever there was trouble, Lassie was there to save the day. With just a few meaningful barks, Timmy was off to help save “Old Man Quigley” from a cave-in or some other calamity forced upon the simple folks in their little town. But I’m convinced that Lassie was not really the smart one. I think it was Timmy! And he never got credit for his brilliance! Timmy was the one who would listen to a few barks, and then use his uncanny canine translation abilities to determine that Old Man Quigley was in danger! I mean, for all we know, Lassie could have been barking because she was hungry! Go, Timmy, go!

How did Maxwell Smart ever get accepted into Control? How did Gomer Pyle pass the test to join the US Marines? Why would an architect build a home with only one bathroom for 6 kids?

And would you even get ON to a boat with a guy named “Gilligan?”

Dan McGowan is a comic and actor living in Denver and working anywhere people will pay him. Dan, who was a contestant on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing,” has appeared in several television commercials and most recently was a finalist in the search for the new Maytag repairman. Dan performs clean comedy and musical parodies in churches and corporations nationwide and is a published author, songwriter and music composer.