COMMON SAINTS: A Little Bit Louder, Now…

I have always had a very loud voice. 

For as long as I can remember, people have told me that I spoke very loudly.  While the loudness of my voice annoys some, it has also been an incredible asset for me in my work as an actor, comic and singer.  The ability to project is, surprisingly, not a shared talent among all stage performers and it has set me apart from my quieter peers. 

In the world of audio engineering, there is something called “mastering.”  This takes place after the songs have been “mixed.”  In “mastering” the audio engineer goes song by song adjusting all of the levels, EQ’s and other audio elements in such a manner that when the CD is played back, there is no need for the end user (you and me) to constantly adjust the volume knob.  All the levels, in other words, are EQUAL.  This provides for ample enjoyment for the listener.

And you would think that now, in the year of our Lord 2009, somebody somewhere associated with the broadcast television industry would have figured out a similar method for setting the volume levels for TV Commercials to match those of the TV Broadcast shows we watch.  But this is not the case. 

While enjoying an episode of The Office recently, I was struck with the reality that I was constantly adjusting the volume of the television when the commercials came on. It’s an advertising gimmick, I’m sure, to set the volume of the commercials no less than 500 decibels louder than the show you are enjoying.  Those clever advertisers think that if you hear “Dove For Dishes” at ear-shattering volume levels you will be compelled to go out and buy some for your dish-washing wife. 

HEY ADVERTISERS – GUESS WHAT?  I TURN THE COMMERCIAL OFF BECAUSE OF THE VOLUME!! (I wrote that in “all-caps” – the print equivalent for “loud volume.”)

I believe I could become a very wealthy man were I smart enough to invent a “toggle” volume button for my remote control device.  The button would have two settings – one for “normal pleasure viewing” and one for “are you kidding me with the volume of this #$%^& commercial!!”  Such a button, I believe, would improve television viewing substantially while reducing stress levels by at least 45 percent. 

And if I really got creative, I could invent a button like that and mount it on the TV monitor instead of the remote. I could use the exercise.

Dan McGowan is a comic and actor living in Denver and working anywhere people will pay him. Dan, who was a contestant on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing,” has appeared in several television commercials and most recently was a finalist in the search for the new Maytag repairman. Dan performs clean comedy and musical parodies in churches and corporations nationwide and is a published author, songwriter and music composer.