How to Prove You're a REAL Christian!

Top Five Phrases That Identify REAL (American-Culture-Approved) Christians

5.  "Gosh, those 'Hollywood Liberals' this, or those 'Hollywood Liberals' that . . . "

This is Saved-speak for "Look how discerning I can be when I've had my Cheerios!!" It is also a way that some Christians who aren't making it in Hollywood can hide their bitterness. Sour grapes and all. We want to be invited to the party, even if we don't approve of the party?

4. "Those [FILL IN BLANK] are SOCIALISTS, (hiss this part in your best Kaa the Boa voice) sooooocialisssssssttsss, I tell ya!"

Most people don't have a real working definition of this, but if Bill-O sez soooo . . . it's so! So-cialism, that is. Which is, naturally, evil. Yeah, keep picturing Kaa.

3. "You betcha!"

What can I say? *sigh*

2. "[FILL IN SIN YOU DON’T STRUGGLE WITH] is clearly SIN!"

People like to point fingers at sinners who struggle with different things than they do. And, if you're a REAL Christian, clearly, it isn't something YOU are doing. Or, it is a universally accepted Christian sin, like gluttony at a potluck.

1. "Jesus would vote for [FILL IN MOST CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATE] (no matter how inconsistent their behavior and beliefs)!!"

Pretend Jesus took clear political stands on all contemporary issues up for a vote. Don't try to tie them reasonably to compassion, love, or anything else in the Bible he actually spent a lot of time and focus on, and be sure that you buy into whatever the richest televangelists buy into. It's a clear compass!! And, besides, there are many more Christian business opportunities that way!

Top Five Actions That Underscore Your REAL Christianity

5. Always, no exceptions, even on your kayak, have an Icthus fish on your bumper.

Better yet, one representing each member of the family. Double points for one on your business card.

4. Stick to the "God said it. I believe it. That settles it!" way of thinking and communicating.

Find a very narrow, traditional, safe-for-you-and-easy-to-explain-in-sound-bites interpretation to support this, and never allow for others. It's very talk-to-the-hand, and why waste time learning what heathens/pagans/Democrats think and feel?

3. Speak Christianese at all times. Do not code-shift.

If they don't know what "I've been on a mountain, but now I'm in the valley" means, well, why bother? I mean, you could be spending this time talking to someone who is actually going to spend eternity with you. Sheesh.

2. Be greatly offended (a good general rule of thumb for Culture Christians) when people use terms like "crap" or "bee-yotch" or "that sucks" in daily conversation.

Be sure and halt all conversation until they make a covenant (and be sure you call it a "covenant") with you to clean up their horrific, offensive language. Things should always be comfortable for you so that you can go about your important spiritual duties. In the same vein, be sure you strongly object whenever anyone writes "Xmas", in spite of the Greek and the Icthus significance of "X". No matter. This is a time to jab at someone over something which offends you.

1. Whenever doing good deeds, praying diligently, fasting, studying your Bible, be sure all around you know that you are doing it.

Post it on your website, Facebook, MySpace, family newsletter, mailbox flag, car bumper . . . wherever you can. I mean, how is this stuff gonna count towards those jewels in your crown if everyone doesn't have the opportunity to admire and congratulate you for it?

* Important Tip: Whenever pontificating, be sure you use the words "clearly" and "obviously" a lot. Say stuff like "anyone can see" as a lead-in, and it will put your victim, er, fellow conversant into a defensive position!

Teresa Roberts Logan is a comic and cartoonist featured in the hit comedy series “Bananas” and “Evening at the Improv”, as well as the best-selling DVD “Thou Shalt Laugh.” Also a cartoonist and an artist, she is typing this quickly so she can check her Facebook page and renew her Status Update. Her website is www.LaughingRedhead.com and her new book of cartoons is “The Older I Get, The Less I Care.”

For more selections from Teresa and the other NCV writers, please visit the New Christian Voices Clean Comedy Store.

5.  "Gosh, those 'Hollywood Liberals' this, or those 'Hollywood Liberals' that . . . "

This is Saved-speak for "Look how discerning I can be when I've had my Cheerios!!" It is also a way that some Christians who aren't making it in Hollywood can hide their bitterness. Sour grapes and all. We want to be invited to the party, even if we don't approve of the party?

4. "Those [FILL IN BLANK] are SOCIALISTS, (hiss this part in your best Kaa the Boa voice) sooooocialisssssssttsss, I tell ya!"

Most people don't have a real working definition of this, but if Bill-O sez soooo . . . it's so! So-cialism, that is. Which is, naturally, EVIL. Yeah, keep picturing Kaa.

3. "You betcha!"

What can I say? *sigh*

2. "[FILL IN SIN YOU DON’T STRUGGLE WITH] is clearly SIN!"

People like to point fingers at sinners who struggle with different things than they do. And, if you're a REAL Christian, clearly, it isn't something YOU are doing. Or, it is a universally accepted Christian sin, like gluttony at a potluck.

1. "Jesus would vote for [FILL IN MOST CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATE] (no matter how inconsistent their behavior and beliefs)!!"

Pretend Jesus took clear political stands on all contemporary issues up for a vote. Don't try to tie them reasonably to compassion, love, or anything else in the Bible he actually spent a lot of time and focus on, and be sure that you buy into whatever the richest televangelists buy into. It's a clear compass!! And, besides, there are many more Christian business opportunities that way!

Top Five Actions That Underscore Your REAL Christianity

5. Always, no exceptions, even on your kayak, have an Icthus fish on your bumper.

Better yet, one representing each member of the family. Double points for one on your business card.

4. Stick to the "God said it. I believe it. That settles it!" way of thinking and communicating.

Find a very narrow, traditional, safe-for-you-and-easy-to-explain-in-sound-bites interpretation to support this, and never allow for others. It's very talk-to-the-hand, and why waste time learning what heathens/pagans/Democrats think and feel?

3. Speak Christianese at all times. Do not code-shift.

If they don't know what "I've been on a mountain, but now I'm in the valley" means, well, why bother? I mean, you could be spending this time talking to someone who is actually going to spend eternity with you. Sheesh.

2. Be greatly offended (a good general rule of thumb for Culture Christians) when people use terms like "crap" or "bee-yotch" or "that sucks" in daily conversation.

Be sure and halt all conversation until they make a covenant (and be sure you call it a "covenant") with you to clean up their horrific, offensive language. Things should always be comfortable for you so that you can go about your important spiritual duties. In the same vein, be sure you strongly object whenever anyone writes "Xmas", in spite of the Greek and the Icthus significance of "X". No matter. This is a time to jab at someone over something which offends you.

1. Whenever doing good deeds, praying diligently, fasting, studying your Bible, be sure all around you know that you are doing it.

Post it on your website, Facebook, MySpace, family newsletter, mailbox flag, car bumper . . . wherever you can. I mean, how is this stuff gonna count towards those jewels in your crown if everyone doesn't have the opportunity to admire and congratulate you for it?

* Important Tip: Whenever pontificating, be sure you use the words "clearly" and "obviously" a lot. Say stuff like "anyone can see" as a lead-in, and it will put your victim, er, fellow conversant into a defensive position!

Teresa Roberts Logan is a comic and cartoonist featured on the hit comedy shows Thou Shalt Laugh, Bananas, Evening at the Improv, and Comedy on The Road. Her website is www.LaughingRedhead.com.