Time Out: My Top 10 Novelty Gifts for Christmas

Okay, Black Friday has come and gone, and if you're like me you decided to forgo the madness. Instead of fighting the crowds at the malls or getting trampled at Walmart, you stayed home and made turkey omelets for the entire family.

But don't let the hype from desperate retailers fool you, you didn't miss much. There's plenty of time to find the perfect gift. And since today is officially "Cyber Monday" – the supposed busiest day of the year for electronic commerce (rivaled only by Techno Tuesday and Wanton Wednesday, but not to be confused with Thrifty Thursday) – you can officially launch the Christmas shopping season from the comfort of your own home.

To help you get started, I've put together a few suggestions. Searching high and low – in stores, on the Internet, in Skymall catalogs I've boosted from United Airlines and on late-night TV infomercials – I've found the gifts that will just keep on giving this holiday season. Here are my Top Ten Novelty Gifts, guaranteed to bring joy to the hearts of friends, family and pets alike.

(With apologies to David Letterman). …

10.  The Marshmallow Shooter.  Sounds like a frat-party drink; looks like a nerf gun, but it’s better because it shoots marshmallows.  No one ever lost an eye from a marshmallow mishap as far as I know. Only problem is if you live in a high-humidity location, marshmallows can get sticky, and it can be a son-of-a-gun to remove from your hair (so I’ve heard).

9. Ped Egg. This egg shaped pedicure device is a must have for anyone who has suffered from VF, or velcro-foot. With this little device, you basically scrape your feet like you’re grating cheese, and then release the scrapings easily into the trash. Okay this is gross. Velcro-foot it is…

8. The Taser. That’s right – some sporting good stores actually sell tasers. What better way to express “Joy” and “Peace on Earth” like a good old fashioned family taser fight on Christmas morning? Bonus – it comes in pink.

7. The Playing Card Shooter. If you like to play cards, but can’t bear the daunting task of dealing the cards with your own hands, then this playing card shooter is for you. Simply put the cards into the device, point towards fellow card players and shoot. Not recommended for use in a house of cards.

6. Pup Stairs. This stairway/ramp exists for the sole purpose of enabling dogs and cats to jump up on your furniture and bedding. I’m pretty sure Cesar Milan hasn’t endorsed this product.

5. Big Top Cupcake. This enormous cupcake is supposed to replace traditional cakes as we know it. Instead of making a regular cake, or a batch of cupcakes, you make one giant oversized cupcake that seems like it would be hard to slice into sections. This means you eat the entire thing yourself. Hmmm - I might like this, actually.

4. Loud-N-Clear. The marketing geniuses behind this device want you to believe that you will look cooler wearing this “blue tooth” looking device, rather than a traditional flesh-tone ear-plug looking hearing aid. Maybe they’re right, but when they show the old man using it to eavesdrop on a private conversation, suddenly the old man looks like a Klingon suffering from dementia. So not cool.

3. Touch-N-Brush. For those of you who can’t clean up after yourselves and need assistance with toothpaste, this is for you. This "hands-free" toothpaste despenser squeezes the toothpaste tube so you won't have to. What an incredible time saver!

2. The Nano Wand Scanner. This UV disinfection scanner is a must-have for all of us germophobes out there. It says that it kills bacteria, viruses, and mites just by waving the wand. I would be sold if it came complete with a blacklight kit, so that I could blacklight an entire hotel room and then wave my wand like Dumbledore and enjoy my vacation.

And last but not least, the No. 1 Novelty Gift for Christmas ...

1. The Snuggie. This blanket with arms is sure to bring your social life to a screeching halt.  Once you put the Snuggie on, you need to decide, do I head off to Hogwarts or take a vow of silence? Either way…

Patty Elder is real estate agent, mother of two and aspiring personal shopper living and staying up way too late watching infomercials in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Read her previous Time Out columns:

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