Columns

Here’s a Thought: Opening Act
By Taylor Mason

For those of you not familiar with how I roll: I’ve been a comedian for 25-plus years and been an “opening act” for a variety of performers. Some highlights. ...

Here's a Thought: Death by Cancer
By Taylor Mason

My sister-in-law passed away last Thursday, felled by cancer after a seven-year battle. She was a dignified, lovely, inspiring wife and mother who beat the odds over and over again.

Time Out: Safety ‘Net
By Patty Elder

Summer in DC means storms, and storms mean power outages. And power outages bring out my worst fear, and it's NOT the dark. ...

Here’s a Thought: Hot Enough for Ya?
By Taylor Mason

The heat was debilitating this summer, so much so that the word “hot” doesn’t do justice to the grades of temperature we've sweated these past few months.

Time Out: Make Yourself at Home
By Cara Garretson

It’s beach week, and so far so good. We bust into our rented beach house and it looks great – the bathrooms are sparkling, the décor is charming, the kitchen is retro. ...

The Truth Hurts: Updated Idioms

Even some of our most time-honored proverbs need updating after 100 years or more of use. Here's is our handy translation guide...

circa 1909	2009
"Boys will be boys."	"Boys will need Ritalin."
"A stitch in time saves nine."	"Aren't a dozen socks a $1.99 at Walmart?"
"A penny saved is a penny earned."	"Good news, Visa extended our credit limit!"
"Children should be seen and not heard."	"Children will be texting and not talking."
"Don't count your chickens until they've hatched."	"Buy now, pay later."
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself."	"...well, that and nuclear holocaust."
"When life gives you lemons make lemonade."	"When life hands you lemons, sue somebody!"
"The best things in life are free."	"The best things in life have a fee"
"The family who prays together, stays together."	"C'mon kids lets break out the Wii!"
"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today."	"Would love to get on that today, but union rules forbid it."
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."	"An apple a day means you're at poverty level."
"Patience is a virtue."	"Can't these microwave dinners cook any faster?"
"'Till death do us part"	"'Till debt do us part"
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."	"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."
"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."	"Do unto others...first."
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."	"If at first you don't succeed, thank god your teacher grades on a curve."
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."	"Early to bed and early to rise may be the first signs of depression."
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."	"These exercises are killing me!"
"Laughter is the best medicine."	"The best medicine for helping you laugh?... prozac."

Dubbed "God's comic" by The New Yorker magazine, comedian Brad Stine brings his irreverent, edgy, and politically incorrect message to both mainstream and church audiences across the nation. His fifth DVD, "The Best of Brad Stine," features the best material from his previous releases, "Put A Helmet On!," "Conservative Unleashed," "Tolerate This!" and "Wussification". Brad's latest release is available here at the New Christian Voices Clean Comedy Store via the link below:

Read Brad's other recent The Truth Hurts columns:

Comments

Tue, 07/20/2010 - 12:53pm sfoxdtk (not verified)

Thu, 10/15/2009 - 12:35pm Fred (not verified)

A good laugh...

This guy is actually funny, unlike many so called "clean comedians".

Columns

The Truth Hurts: Updated Idioms

Comments

mvuSlLqSVSFTPMi

updated idioms...update

updated idioms

ridlin?

ridlin

Point well taken

A good laugh...