The Raving Redhead: We Wish You a Kitschy Christmas

By Teresa Roberts Logan

I am going to speak about something so controversial, I expect to lose friends or at least acquaintances over it, maybe some of those people who would’ve shaken my hand at church. Is it worth it? I don’t know. But I feel compelled to speak out.

Most Christmas décor is just plain tacky. And if I never see another Christmas-themed sweater, it will be too soon. And I’m a person who loves kitsch, even!

I have a kitsch souvenir collection, which includes a huge ceramic Las Vegas die, a plaster “Welcome to Florida” alligator with his throat open to hold toothpicks, and a jewel-encrusted Statue of Liberty. Low art can be very high art, in my opinion.

So, I am no stranger to kitsch.  And I admit my tastes can run to the weird and the downright Goth. I confess this to you: I bought black Christmas tree ornaments this year, at IKEA. My husband said, “Your mom is gonna hate those.” [She won’t know ‘til she reads this, and then I have caller ID - problem solved! Problem not solved. My mom will be visiting us, and we are both on Facebook, so I will definitely be hearing soon about the black Christmas ornaments.] I love black. All I wear is black. I decorate with black. I have black appliances in my kitchen. I had black bridesmaids dresses in my wedding, 21 years ago when it was utterly unheard of. My mom and mom-in-law don’t think I know the reason they always give me white and pink clothes. They are trying to steer me away from my black obsession. Helloooooo. They sell black dye in the grocery store! Back to black!

All this is a confession, in order to make myself a bit more vulnerable, because I’m about to rail on some stuff that you may hold very near and dear. I apologize in advance. I don’t mean to offend. Just being transparent here. And we may just have to agree to disagree. Just like during the election!
 
You’d think this time of year would have me downright giddy, with my appreciation of kitsch. But no, I have to say, it is a cringe-worthy time of year for me. Which starts in about, oh, July.
 
Everywhere I look, there are Santa figurines gyrating to “Jingle Bell Rock” and little plush reindeer with big eyes – not to play with, mind you – they expect you to decorate your home with this stuff! And the fake snow . . . oy. Big rolls of cotton with glitter stuck in it. Yeah, put that on your dining table. Hey, I’ve got some Styrofoam packing peanuts you might be interested in. They’re really, umm, festive, cumulatively speaking. And free!

And, a lot of us do decorate with this stuff. Not me, But, boy, oh, boy, try to tell someone that they might reconsider the gigantic inflatable snow globe, and you have a potential family feud on your hands. Only I know better than to feud with my family, because they are all packin’ heat. Okay, they’re hunters, but still.

Tackiness reigns supreme at Christmas time, and people not only go all out decorating their homes and yards with cheap plastic stuff, they decorate themselves with it! And it better have a flashing Rudolph nose on it, or they won’t sport it atall!

I cannot even count the people I know who at other times of year dress somewhat tastefully, but now wear the most heinous holiday getups, including big Christmas balls hanging from their ears and cardigans plastered with big trees and snowmen cut out of felt.

A final word on the subject, not to offend, but if you own more than one Christmas sweater, you need to step away from the credit card, or consider some kind of intervention.

I don’t know why this bothers me so much; why I rant; why I cannot keep silent on this issue. 

But, I’m guessing it stems from  . . . my fear of clowns.

Teresa Roberts Logan is a comic and cartoonist, who has been featured in the hit comedy series “Bananas” and “Evening at the Improv”, as well as the best-selling DVD “Thou Shalt Laugh”. She is a featured comic on the upcoming DVD “Comedy Angels”. Her latest book of cartoons is “The Older I Get, The Less I Care”. For lots more info, visit her website at www.LaughingRedhead.com. She is wearing black as we speak.