The Raving Redhead: Dr. Dobson and Mr. Hyde

Okay, so I admit it. I like me some schlock. I am a full-on fan of cheesy horror stuff.

I have already, in this very venue, waxed eloquent about my love of all things Zombie: their funky eating habits, their wacky fashion sense, their admirable persistence.

I love those Sci-Fi Channel movies like “Slither”, and “Anacondas: Curse of the Blood Orchid”, and, yes, one of my favorites is “Mansquito.” There is nothing like seeing people morph into giant-sized things we already hate. These creatures are such that even the best HR department could not deal with them:

“Mansquito, no more feeding on the guys in the mail room. We need them. Maybe you could try sucking the blood of someone from middle management.”

“Blob, you simply must stop absorbing the swivel chairs. That’s the third one this week.”

“Swamp Thing, can you please wear Crocs or something? You are schmutzing up the carpet by the water cooler.”

You know what? I even almost liked those hell movies they showed us at youth retreats to scare us into accepting Jesus. They were super-schlock. Schlock-cubed. (To be clear, these are tactics I don’t agree with, but hey, I DID get baptized again. And I mean, dunked, baby, none of that sprinkling stuff. We Baptists like to see people just go for it.)

All this to say, generally, I love horror movies and scary stuff. Except some stuff is just tooooo scary. Ladies and gentleman, I give you excerpts from Dr. James Dobson’s “Letter From 2012," his series of predictions of what America may be like after four years of Obama as President:

• The Boy Scouts no longer exist as an organization. They chose to disband rather than be forced to obey the Supreme Court decision that they would have to hire homosexual scoutmasters and allow them to sleep in tents with young boys.
• Television programs at all hours of the day contain explicit portrayals of sexual acts.
• Conservative talk radio, for all intents and purposes, was shut down by the end of 2010.

What?! The “Letter from 2012” goes on and on and on,  all  made-up drama and schlock, much like all badly edited sci-fi scenarios, where people run screaming from stuff they made up in their quivering, gelatinous brainpans. Dr. Frankenstein-like, it pieces together fearmongering conjecture based on randomly sewn-together opinions and articles, with odd parts sticking out like bolts on the neck of a big green ghoul who’s gonna getcha!

You can go to http://www.Matthew25.org, and read it in its awful entirety, and write a “What the heck?!” letter to Dr. Dobson and Mr. Hyde, like I did! You can get a lot of satisfaction writing “What the-?” letters to big media moguls, believe you me.

 In the tradtion of  Frankenfish, and other made-up monsters, Dobson uses his big clanking strobe-lighted machine to keep trying to paint Obama as some sort of scary “Fright Night” freak. I picture the guy who wrote this, hobbling over to Dr. Dobson/Mr. Hyde, Igor-like:

“The Letter from 2012 has been prepared, Master, and sent to your loyal followers . . . shall I now  unleash the Thing that Ate Discernment?”

And, Dobson expects us to buy this B-Movie script, to drink the evil Kool-Aid, and to go wee-wee-wee all the way home.

Too much schlock, even for me.

Happy Halloween!

(Epilogue: It gets scarier. I wrote a note to Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson/Mr. Hyde regarding this heinous, stupid, mean-spirited “Letter from 2012.” And I got an e-mail back a few minutes ago, which says that I should be informed that Matthew25.org endorsed Barack Obama. Well, duh. And Mr. Hyde endorsed McCain, but they are trying to act like they are neutral. Talk about chutzpah. Talk about scary. Geez, last time I looked, no weird gamma rays had sucked my brains out, Dr. Dobson. Cue the music: “Psycho” or “Mars Attacks” Take your pick.)

Teresa Roberts Logan is a comic and cartoonist. Her website is www.LaughingRedhead.com. Her ShoutLife site is www.ShoutLife.com/LaughingRedhead. She “acted” in, and co-art-directed, “I Was a Zombie for the FBI”, a cult-classic, she finds out, which is now available at Netflix!!