MARTHA'S LAUGH LINES: The Malady Super Bowl

Have you ever asked someone how he was and found yourself regretting it the minute he began listing every malady he's endured for the past 46 years?

Personally, I think I've heard more firsthand accounts of injuries, illnesses, and surgical procedures in the frozen-food aisle at our local grocery store than my doctor has in his consultation office.

Take, for example, the lady I met this week who not only told me every last detail of her latest operation, but insisted on showing me her four-and-a-half-inch incision right there by the Stouffer's display.

Then, there was a gentleman I sat next to at a banquet once. I should have known I was in for it when I noticed that his Medic-Alert bracelet stated, "See accompanying four-volume medical diary." He answered my "How are you?" with a 30-minute update on his five-year-old abdominal surgery. Apparently, he knew it had been five years since the operation because he sends anniversary cards to his surgeon.

I tried acting interested; I really did. After all, any surgery is serious.  But when he started to analyze the pros and cons of drainage tubes, I had to stop him. Banquet food can be hard enough to digest, without adding all those visual images.  

Then, there are the "souvenir collectors." Souvenir collectors are people who save all sorts of medical and surgical paraphernalia, then insist on showing you their collections every time you see them. These collections can include used bandages, old stitches, laminated operative reports, or framed 12-by-16 X rays of themselves.

Sometimes a souvenir collector will even get creative. I heard of one guy who had his gallstones made into a mosaic, then hung it over his fireplace. Another lady fashioned hers into an earring. (She's now awaiting a second surgery so she can have a matched set.) Yet another man had Christmas cards made out of his MRI images, and created a necklace for his wife out of his old IV tubing.

The absolute worst, though, is the "malady topper." No matter what you've had, he's had it worse. His flu was the most severe and only one of its kind, he says while sneezing on you. If your surgery lasted four hours, his went through the weekend. If your temperature was 103 degrees, his set the blanket on fire.

Frankly, I've never understood malady toppers. Who wants to win at such a depressing game? That's why I refuse to participate in their Malady Super Bowl. I already know my surgery was worse than theirs, and their bout with the flu couldn't possibly have been as debilitating as mine. But you won't see me stopping everyone I meet on the street and boring them with all the sordid details. I realize people today just don't have the time to stand there and listen to my medical horror stories and tales of surgical woes.

That's why I'm having the fliers printed up.

Martha Bolton is an Emmy- and Dove-nominated writer, and the author of over fifty books, including Didn’t My Skin Used to Fit? and Cooking With Hot FlashesAnd Other Ways to Make Middle Age Profitable. Her just released book, Your Best Nap Now: 7 Steps to Nodding Off at Your Full Potential, is now available. For speaking or additional information, check out her website.

Read Martha's other recent Laugh Lines columns:

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• We Need A Gift Czar
• I Knew It All Along
• Makin' Do
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