Martha’s Laugh Lines: High-Fiving Thighs

My inner thighs never used to be this close. In all the years that I've been hanging around them, the right one has stayed to the right side of my body, and the left one has stayed to the left. This has been the understanding between them, and they've respected each other's space. They've been cooperative and dutiful. Whenever I walked, one didn't trespass on the other's territory. They simply stayed at their post, content, satisfied and separate.

Since hitting menopause (and, all right I confess, more than my share of all-you-can-eat buffets and southern "meat and threes”), all that has changed. My thighs have gotten a lot friendlier with each other. They overlap a good two or three inches and whip against each other every time I take a step. It's like I've grown my own mud flaps.

No one really knows about this but me. For the most part, all of this thigh trespassing takes place under my clothing, and most people have no hint that anything out of the ordinary is happening. But it is. Sometimes the friction is enough to heat the wrinkles right out of my jeans. And it can be noisy, too.

Sometimes people turn their heads as I walk by and comment,

"Did you hear that?"

"Yeah, what was it?"

"It sounded like two cats fighting on a leather sofa."

Like other changes in middle age, these thigh appendages seem to have appeared with no warning. One day I fit into my jeans perfectly fine, and the next day I'm needing to line them with Vaseline just to get them past my knees.

Perhaps this is why so many middle-agers and seniors have insomnia. Considering all the bodily changes that keep happening during the night, we're afraid to go to sleep!

They say Pilates is good for toning and shaping the upper thighs, so I'm seriously thinking about giving it a try (interpreted, that means I've bought the tape but haven't opened it yet).

In the meantime, I guess I have no other choice but to put up with all the fighting my thighs are doing with every step I take. "Hey, get back over on your own side!"

"Oh, yeah? Who's gonna make me?"

"This is my territory!"

"No, it's not. I was here first!"

"Were not!"

"Were too!"

"Were not!"

It's sad, isn't it? And they used to get along so well.

Reprinted from Cooking With Hot Flashes: And Other Ways to Make Middle Age Profitable, published by Bethany House.

Martha Bolton is an Emmy- and Dove-nominated writer, and the author of over fifty books, including her just-released, Your Best Nap Now: 7 Steps to Nodding Off at Your Full Potential and Didn’t My Skin Used to Fit? You can also checkout her website.

Read more recent Martha's Laugh Lines columns:


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Martha’s Laugh Lines: High-Fiving Thighs