Martha's Laugh Lines: An Open Letter To The American Taxpayer

Now that the bailout money has started rolling out, have you noticed how everyone's got their hand out? Thankfully, lawmakers from both parties have successfully convinced Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulsen, to impose stricter guidelines on the money. One thing that hasn't been proposed yet, however, is an open letter to the American Taxpayer officially requesting the money. This would be sort of a "Letter of Hardship" and loan application rolled into one.

Here is how it might read:

Dear American Taxpayer:

We, the undersigned bankers, car manufacturers, mortgage brokers, money managers, credit card companies, and other interested parties, do respectfully request a loan/gift/ransom paid by you, the Taxpayer, over your lifetime and the lifetime of generations to come, to help us out in this time of economic uncertainty.

We realize that we are asking for billions of dollars, and that is a lot of money. We further realize that you are no doubt recalling that time when you asked us for $23.75 for your tab at Applebee's, but your credit card was declined because it would have pushed you over your limit by 19-cents. Since you had already eaten the food, and were treating a business client, our actions caused you embarrassment. We sincerely regret that. We should have at least allowed your client's meal to go through. But that was a long time ago, and we hope you have moved beyond the bitterness of the past, and will not hold that little incident against us.  

We hope, too, that you will not decline AIG's spa retreat expenses in like manner. If you can find it in your heart to overlook their bad sense of timing in regard to this one spa trip ... okay, two spa trips ... okay, three spa trips (apparently, they're slow learners), they would greatly appreciate it. In fact, we all feel so bad about what AIG has done with your money, that the rest of us are all going on a spa retreat ourselves to discuss the matter further.  

We also want to mention that if, after the initial loan of however many billions of dollars we happen to need, we find ourselves in a position of needing additional funds, please allow us that flexibility. If you will recall, there was one time when we did let you go $1.50 over your credit limit so that your house payment would go through. True, we charged you a $39.00 over-the-limit fee, but we did give you the money, didn't we? Now, we are asking for similar consideration. $1.50 ... $700 billion, it's all money, right? Are you really going to quibble over a bunch of zeroes?

And speaking on behalf of the Big Three automakers, they would appreciate a loan from you, as well, to help bail them out. They also hope you will overlook their behavior that one summer when you were out of work, and you had those medical bills piling up, and they called you at all hours of the day and night with threats of repossession, taking your firstborn as collateral on interest, and possibly your right kidney.  In their words, they were "just kidding."

We also noticed on the loan application that you requested we fill out, that you are requiring financial information from us so that you can determine whether or not we can afford to pay back the note. That's so cute.  If we were solvent, do you think we would need the loan in the first place? We only make someone jump through those kinds of hoops when they want to borrow money from us, not the other way around. Silly, you. In our defense, though, whenever we have asked you for three references of someone who has known you since birth, your tax returns since high school, every bank statement you've ever received in your life, and the amount of allowance your parents gave you in elementary school, that was for your own good.

We trust this letter has convinced you of our need for the $700 billion bailout from taxpayer money. If you will do this for us, and help us get back on sound financial footing, we promise that things will be different in the future. For one thing, once we get the money, we have already determined that we won't be lending any of it out to anyone. This, we feel, will prevent us from making the same mistakes again.

We realize, whether you approve or not, the loan will probably still go through. It is, however, because of our long-standing relationship with you, the consumer and taxpayer, that we wanted to make this formal request to you.  

We wish you the best this holiday season. Please refrain from using your credit cards, and don't be late on your car payment, or we will have to revert back to our old ways.  Also, please note on your most recent credit card statements that your limit has been lowered and your interest rate increased as our gift to you. No need to thank us. It's the least we could do.

Martha Bolton is an Emmy- and Dove-nominated writer, and the author of over fifty books, including Didn’t My Skin Used to Fit? and Cooking With Hot Flashes.  Check out her website at www.marthabolton.com.