Columns

Time Out: What My Kids Can Learn from Their Kids
By Cara Garretson
Politicians have so much to teach us, but these days it's the children of the pols who are making the headlines and teaching valuable lessons to our youth.
Movie Reporter: The Most Important Film of the Year
By Phil Boatwright
If you pass on Waiting For Superman because it's not about the superhero from Krypton, you'll skip the year's most significant film.
Here’s a Thought: Opening Act
By Taylor Mason
For those of you not familiar with how I roll: I’ve been a comedian for 25-plus years and been an “opening act” for a variety of performers. Some highlights. ...
Movie Reporter: A New Solution for an Old Problem
By Phil Boatwright
If you are familiar with my efforts as a film reviewer, you know how I feel about the use and abuse of language in the media. That makes TVGuardian and Phil Boatwright a perfect fit.
Here's a Thought: Death by Cancer
By Taylor Mason
My sister-in-law passed away last Thursday, felled by cancer after a seven-year battle. She was a dignified, lovely, inspiring wife and mother who beat the odds over and over again.

Here's a Thought: National Brotherhood Week Remix

October 07, 2009
By Taylor Mason

Our updated version of this timeless anthem to brotherhood, with apologies to Tom Lehrer

Some folks hate Thanksgiving for the turkey must be carved.
Some folks hate to diet, its another word for starved.
Men hate the name Marvin, so they change their name to “Marv.”
And The Packers hate the Vikings who used to hate Brett Favre.

The Crimson Tide hates Auburn; the Gators hate the Seminoles.
The Buckeyes hate the Wolverines, who hate the latest polls.
Mid-major college football hates all the BCS bowls,
And Satan hates the fact that he can’t buy everybody’s soul.

The Protestants hate the Catholics, and Catholic schoolkids hate the nuns.
The NRA hates PETA, who hate hunters who use guns.
The fat folks hate the thin folks and thin folks hate sticky buns.
And atheists hate… well, atheists hate God and everyone.

The Sunnis hate the Shi’ites, the Shi’ites hate the Kurds.
Public parks hate litterers, and the statues hate the birds.
The Goths all hate the jocks and the jocks all hate the nerds,
And the literate hate the illiterate, who hate all those big words.

The white folks hate the black folks and the black folks hate the white.
Conservatives hate liberals, and the lefties hate the right.
The night crowd hates the morning while vampires hate sunlight,
And the hawks hate the pacifists, who really hate to fight.

The Tutsis hate the Hutus, the Hutus hate ‘em back.
We all hate our dentist and your dentist hates your plaque.
Dukies hates the Tar Heels and the Heels hate the Wolf Pack.
Stand-up comics hate ventriloquists and often call them “hacks.”

The Arabs hate the Jews a lot, the Russians hate Jews, too.
Palestine hates Israel, but that is nothing new.
Iran hates the chosen people, cause that’s just what they do,
I could make a case that even Jewish folks hate the Jews.

Now the Baptists hate the Church of Christ who hate the Lutherans,
AOG hates Methodists hate Episcopalians.
Pentecostals hate Charismatics, hate Presbyterians -
Calvinists hate non-Calvinists and Branch Davidians.

The South still hates the North, and the East Coast hates the West.
Texas hates some northern states, and New York hates the rest.
The losers hate the winners, the worst of us hate the best.
And everybody hates the fact that life is a hard test.

The Chinese hate the Taiwanese who still have hate for Japanese,
Mandarin hates Cantonese who really hate the Siamese,
The Rwandese hate the Balinese, they of course hate the Maltese,
Michael J. Fox must hate living with that Parkinson’s disease.

Straight people hate gay people, but their numbers grow in heft.
Parents hate the video game that teaches kids grand theft.
And husbands sometimes hate their wives, leaving everyone bereft –
If there is war between the sexes, there will be nobody left!

Hollywood hates all Christians, Hollywood hates the USA.
Hollywood hates its audience, and proves it every day.
Hollywood is a business built on hatred, oh, and by the way?
Hollywood just spewed out a lot more hatred just today.

CNN hates FoxNews, Comedy Central hates the bourgeoisie.
The networks hate each other, and they all hate you and me.
Beck hates Maher hates Limbaugh, hates Carville hates Bill O’Reilly -
It’s a sea of hate with commercials, marketing clandestinely!

So yes, there is a lot of hatred, but hatred’s not my style.
And I agree, this world seems more and more hostile.
Everyone hates everyone, but don’t throw me on that pile.
I follow a different plan, a different life worthwhile -
Faith and Hope and Love and Joy. And live it with a smile!








Lyrics | Tom Lehrer - National brotherhood week lyrics

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and has played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

Read more of Taylor's recent Here's a Thought columns:

 

 

Columnist Taylor Mason


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Comments

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Wed, 10/07/2009 - 2:26pm Anonymous (not verified)

Big Smile

I LOVE this..

And I don't think vantrilo... can't spell it are hacks, ya'll are brilliant. Wish I could do that. Granted, I'm still at that stage where I try not to wet myself when performing in certain circles. So what do I know?;-)

Deana O'Hara