Here's a Thought: I Slam You, Slam We All, Slam for Islam

I’m not a Muslim, but I have tried to learn something of the faith and the commitment it takes to call oneself a Muslim. Here are the facts:

There are some 600 million believers according to The World Almanac. That is just one of many approximations of the entire population of Muslims in the world. The Islamic Center in Washington, D.C. says there are 1 billion strong around the planet. Most are in Turkey, Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Indonesia. It is a fast-growing faith, where England, Europe and Canada now boast millions in their separate countries.

It is the youngest of the monotheistic mega-faiths, and I’m willing to bet there won’t be another religion that achieves multi-millions of followers in the next 100 years. Maybe ever. Its official birth date is 622 A.D. – a century or more behind Christianity. Which is notable, because much of the Islamic faith is based on the Bible. Muhammad was a Bedouin trader (no, that is NOT a Star Wars character!) living on the outskirts of Mecca. He heard all this gossip concerning Judaism and Christianity, and then began having divine revelations on his own.

Yes, Islam bears uncanny resemblance to both Judaism and Christianity, although there are differences. For one thing, it is much better to be a male than a female if you’re gonna go Muslim. Women are basically pets and/or props. Which is going to be very difficult to defend, regardless of what the Qu’ran (Koran - the Holy Book of Islam) says, because the “women behind the veil” are beginning to see another world through the power of the world wide web. The Stoning of Soraya M, a soon-to-be-released major motion picture, will be an eye-opener for all of us who don’t know much or understand much about the exploding (I used that word on purpose) faith that is Islam.

It’s not all about explosions. Nope. To be Muslim is to appreciate the intricacies of winning friends and influencing people through decapitation.

Islam is Arabic for “submission to the will of God.” Muslim is Arabic for “one who submits.” I get that. There is a higher power than any human. There is a God we must all answer to. There are rules. The Islamic world fears the western canon of pornography, homosexuality, and capitalism. I never bought the idea that Muslim terrorists want to take our freedom. They want to spread some of that money around. Most of the Islamic world is desperately poor.

There are the Five Pillars of Faith. Submit to God this way: “There is no God but Allah, Muhammad and his Prophets.” Pray five times a day, turning toward Mecca. Fast from sunup to sundown throughout the entire month of Ramadan. Make a pilgrimage at least once in your life to Mecca (called “the Hajj”). Give alms, if you can afford to do so. Plus, there is always the extra credit, whereby you can guarantee a spot in heaven by dying while fighting a Holy War.

Like Christianity there is much in-fighting among the franchises. The Shi’ites, who are kind of like fundamentalist Christians, are convinced the world is turning into a cesspool of deviance. The Sunnis are a little more tolerant. They’re into consensus and compassion. Naturally, the two don’t get along, so they fight each other to the death in the name of Allah. Unless they can come up with a common enemy…

Taylor Mason is a comedian, a musician, a ventriloquist and a writer (he can’t seem to hold a real job). He has headlined every major comedy club in the United States, and as played Carnegie Hall and The Sydney Opera House in Australia. He has been part of two Emmy-winning television programs, including his children’s TV show, “Taylor’s Attic.” He is featured in comedy DVDs "Thou Shalt Laugh," "Thou Shalt Laugh 2" and "Thou Shalt Laugh 3," plus two episodes of the hit comedy series “Bananas.” Taylor works a mind-boggling 200 nights a year, in front of every kind of audience, and has managed to stay married for the past 22 years to his wife, Marsia. They have two teen-aged sons and live in New Jersey (the only state in America that uses air freshener … outdoors).

Read more of Taylor's recent Here's a Thought columns:

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